Twenty years ago today my mother died. In the years right after, this date never passed unnoticed. I must admit though that some years have passed since then where I didn't focus on that yes today was the day. Nevertheless I don't feel sad today. If she were alive now she would be almost 80. I can't picture my mom that way because she never was old...59 is not by my way of thinking old. I'll be there in less 15 years myself and despite what my 14 year old Katie thinks, I am not old!
I have been thinking about her a bit this past week. Seeing my daughter Emily go to her first prom on Saturday got me to thinking what kind of Grandma she would have been to my kids. She was kind and loving and would have really loved my kids and would have taken an interest in whatever they did. I miss that my kids did not get to experience that part of her.
I started wondering about what might have been the past few weeks. My husband's parents are good people... they love their grandchildren but watching them has made me long for my kids to have had that connection to my mom and for them to feel that special kind of love that I know she would have given them had she lived to have that opportunity.
I have an idea of what a grandparent should and can be. I guess that came mostly from my mother's mother, my grandma Taylor. She was the only grandparent I ever knew because all the others were gone by the time I was one. Growing up she was awesome. Very involved especially once she moved near us to St Petersburg from Baltimore. I never can imagine her not going to a school play, dance recital or the like. That was part of being grandma! Of course I was her only grandchild, but I'm sure if she had others, she would have been the same. She always made me feel special whether it was by spending time with me or letting me move in all summer just because I loved being with her and staying with her. Looking back I realize one of the greatest gifts she gave me was that she affirmed me in a way which made me feel that I was special both as a person and to her.
My mother was much the same to me. She gave so much to me in terms of her time and I knew that I held a very special place in her heart. She conveighed this to me by her actions and the importance that she paid to what was important to me. I really feel that my children are cheated by not having this experience. Like I said, my in-laws are good people but in my opinion, they have missed much in terms of learning who my children are by making a point of experiencing what was and is important to them.
Both girls have been competitive cheerleaders for almost 6 years yet their grandparents have never been to a single competition. I think that is sad. Not because they are missing the most awesome experience by going into a crowded competition hall and watching the girls perform for 2 minutes and 30 seconds but because they miss that opportunity to reach out to my girls and say, "Wow, that was awesome, you are really good at this. .. great job. " My kids have never experienced this from them. They have had their Godparents come and see them and friends but never their own grandparents.
I'm not writing to be petty but it hurts to know that they could experience this relationship with the girls and my mother never got that opportunity. I have always tried to encourage the girls to accept them for who they are and to focus on what is special about their grandparents but in my heart I really feel like this is part of the job description.
Although I've kind of gotten used to the slights over the years in this respect, it really hit home this past week between the Prom and the anniversary of my mother's death. We spent Easter Sunday with the grandparents at their house. We had just come back from Spring Break and had gone shopping for Emily's prom dress. I got out the computer and showed my mother-in-law the pictures I had taken of Emily trying on her dress. After showing her, I picked up the laptop and said I'm going to show Grandpa too! Her response, "Oh he wouldn't be interested."... Say what? This is your first grandaughter and she is going to the Prom in a week, a major event by teenage standards...are you serious? Sadly the answer was yes, Grandpa really wasn't very interested even when I went ahead and showed him the pictures. I know they do love Emily, Katie and Will but why can't they be a little more like my mother?
She would have oohed and ahhed told Emily that it was so beautiful and that she was going to look like a princess on Prom night. I want so much for my kids to experience that unabashed attention like she gave to me and like I experienced from my own grandma but that is not to be because they can never experience that grandma-grandchild relationship since she is not here to share that with them.
So although I no longer feel sad for myself, after all it's not uncommon for your parents to be deceased at 80+, I do yearn for a relationship for my children that never was and never can be. It's up to me just as my parents did with the grandparents I never knew to tell them about who my mother was and how much she would have loved and valued each of them. So Emily and Katie, I want you to know that your Grandma would have dearly loved both of you and Will as well. And if she were here and able she probably would have been at most of your cheer competitions, soccer games and of course Grandparents Day at school. Nothing would have given her greater joy and I'm sorry that you can't experience this from her. I also want you to remember that your grandparents who are here love you too even though they don't do all these things. Always love them for who they are and seek to understand and forgive for their shortcomings they don't mean anything by it.
Emily, your Grandma would have thought you picked the most beautiful dress and would have loved to see you wear it and if not she would have fussed over the pictures we sent her. I wish you could have known her and experienced this special kind of love from her.
Also Katie since you already think I am old, I want you to know that when it is time for your father and I to be grandparents someday, we will, God willing, be there to cheer them on with whatever they do and I for one will make a big fuss over them to let them know that I love them and think they are awesome!
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