Your Will not My Whim

This week in the online retreat that I have been trying to make and stay faithful to over the past weeks, I am asked to consider patterns of my sinfulness. Truthfully, the past two weeks I have had difficulty connecting with the retreat focus on sin both that of the world and that for which I am responsible. This week, I feel a bit more connected. Truth be told I need to work on extracting myself from the rut I have found myself in over the past years. It is easy to blame life's circumstances and struggles on my own lack of motivation. Certainly challenges in life especially with parenting have caused a lot of anxiety for me but the challenge is in how I respond.

For the first few years since moving, I felt lonely and disconnected from the friends and community that we had left behind. I missed my church, the kids school and the friends we had made in the community. The things that had kept me involved were gone such as volunteering opportunities at the children's school and the sense of contributing and being needed seemed to be lost and replaced by day to day struggles to help my now older children navigate the challenges present in their teen years. I spent many days feeling lonely and filled my days with calling friends I had left behind and wishing that somehow I could go back.

I also filled the void with work. As the company I had worked with began expanding and growing, opportunities presented for travel and I was able to take on new responsibilities of leadership. This helped me to feel needed and valued and capable something I felt missing in my day to day life as I struggled with the challenges present in the lives of my children growing up. This became an escape. I got to travel and make a difference working with children and forming new relationships with others within my company. The problem was that even though I did not feel needed or valued on the home front I was needed even just to help police the day to day activities present in the lives of my teens. Although this was much less, exciting than travelling and without the perks that come from earning a good income, it was where I needed to be.

Gradually, I began to feel more connected to the new community. To a limited extent, through my children's activities especially cheerleading, we began to form closer friendships to neighbors and also through Bill's work. Still missing was the connection to my church community and being plugged into and supported in my faith journey. I missed the fellowship that I had felt in my former church where I felt surrounded by others sharing my faith journey and facing the same struggles and challenges. I desperately wanted the support and perspective that comes from sharing especially with other women and encouraging one another.

My problem was that I needed direction. Although I have always been a believer, I am at my best when I am a believer that feels connected and supported. Frequently and even now, I whittle my time away with things that do not lift me up or help me in anyway to be the person that God calls me to be. Worse yet, I neglect those things that I am called to do and I make excuses for what I should be accomplishing. I struggled here to find a place to connect. I had experienced a lot of support through a ministry at my former church but this ministry was not active in my new parish. I kept feeling the prodding of the spirit to bring this ministry to my new church but I lacked the courage to take those first steps. Finally, I took a risk and gathered together the information to share with our pastor. He was excited about this new ministry so at his prodding I began to lay the foundation. Still, I held back both discouraged and dissatisfied by the circumstances and struggles especially with my own children and feeling myself in no way to be able to lead and direct others along the journeys of motherhood. Reluctantly, I moved forward to start this ministry by recruiting a few others who were willing to help me make this happen. The results of these collective efforts was the first Ministry of Mothers Sharing 8 week journey at our parish. Even more amazing was watching the power of the Spirit to make everything happen. God is good!

My faith life seems to have reached a point of renewal. This brings me an incredible sense of peace when I stay faithful to Gods Will in my life. It is not something that simply happens though. I have to do my part by staying connected each day. This daily spirituality diet has been further nourished through my choosing to go on a Cursillio weekend this past Fall. Although I had heard someone speak of this from my old parish in Florida, it was not something that I knew a lot about. Upon moving to Georgia, I heard references from time to time about the upcoming weekends and wondered about it. Once again, through the Spirit and prodding of others I made an inquiry and decided to go. For 3 days, I felt more alive and full of joy than I had in years. Here I found a connection with other believers who were trying to move forward with their faith journey despite the ups and downs of life. I came to know others who had struggled with challenges in their marriages, children and health. Others who were trying to find the right path but who likewise experienced suffering. Here was a place for me to work and grow in my faith journey with the encouragement of others who were endeavoring to do the same. Cursillio asks that you make a commitment to Piety and Study. This is what has lead me to the online retreat and to challenge myself to work toward a deeper understanding of God's will for my life.

As I return to the weekly focus, I am able to see that my own tendency to sin flourishes during periods where I am not grounded and connected to my faith life and working to understand what is occurring in my life through God's eyes and trying to discern his Will. Instead, I chose to seek the answers by complaining to friends or somehow escaping my reality. I try desperately to control my circumstances and others and solve all my own problems. Is it any wonder that when I am not successful I find myself depressed and without motivation in my day to day life? It is these patterns that I need God's grace to help me change. It is here that I find myself asking God for his mercy and reaching toward God because he promises that he loves me always even when I don't feel lovable. Here, I can appreciate with gratitude God's love and the ways that he continues to draw me to him....de Colores!

Freedom from Attachments

Journeying on the Retreat for for the real world which I have been following over the past month has produced some unexpected and surprising insights. Some of these lead me to feel a great closeness to God but this weeks has taken me in two totally different directions. Earlier this week, I began the retreat with the intention of focusing on those people who for me were models of Spirituality and Faith. This was a positive experience as I pondered those whose faith, trust and actions were an inspiration. I was prepared to focus only on this aspect.

The other aspect which the retreat guide asked me to pay attention to was the attachment to the things of this world including riches and honor. This produces some discomfort as I consider those areas of my life where I am attached to the desire for success and opportunity. The words of St Ignatius founder of the Jesuits are a very powerful tool for examination. He says, " We should use God’s gifts of creation however they help us in achieving the end for which we were created, and we ought to rid ourselves of whatever gets in the way of our purpose. " It was easy for me to look around and see that in our consumerist society we surround ourselves with many things beyond that which we need. I know I have at least by my actions attached great value to having many of the things of this world: a nice house, an abundance of clothing and travel opportunities. OK so I can see that I should try to get by with a little more simplicity. With the kids growing up, a smaller house will be an easier switch at some point...less to clean! I should clean out my closet and although with every trip through the stores especially at Christmas I will see things that I want but don't necessarily need like another coat or jacket, I can just say, "NO."

The bigger struggle is giving up on two other "attachments." First, to travel. This is a big part of what I like to do and in many ways I can reconcile this attachment. It allows me to spend time with my family. We are coming up in a week on a planned Thanksgiving trip to Gatlinburg a place that we have journeyed many times before and shared many happy times. I also like to combine my travels with "faith" excursions as in Germany last Summer when we visited a number of beautiful churches and even a monastery. So I will make my choices along these lines with more simplicity in mind and less luxury...hopefully that works???

My biggest struggle is the one that involves recognition and success. This was the one that hit home this week. I have always been competitive by nature. I can remember the desire to win back when I was showing horses as a child. Today, one need only sit near me while watching the Florida Gators play football to see how much I love to win. The other one was for recognition and affirmation. This longing I must say has been a persistent attachment. I can remember how I felt when I graduated law school and received much praise from my parents especially my dad. More recently, through my work within my career as a swim instructor, I have reveled in the praise of parents, other colleagues and people within our organization who affirm me as someone capable and talented. This week, I found myself feeling very flattered when the priest at our parish complemented me on my work starting up a new ministry. I am very attached to this recognition because it makes me feel valuable and better about myself. I guess it is important for me to work to receive this with a sense of humility and recognition that all is accomplished through God and his grace.

So what does the picture of Katie and cheering have to do with this post. Well, this week I became extremely angry and frustrated over some circumstances at the cheer gym. Katie has been cheering since she was 8 and has a lot of natural talent. I see so much potential in her as far as her ability to go on and possibly even cheer in college. She has been working harder this year to improve her skills and we have been hopeful that she will get an opportunity to be placed on a higher level team. When it appeared that she might not get this opportunity, I became extremely angry, feeling my blood boil and saying and acting like far less than the Christian that I claim to be....I am still struggling with my response and feelings in regard to what I feel my child deserves or should achieve. This has opened the door to other circumstances related to my other children especially those involving what my "expectations" are for them. I see how in many ways that I place far too much value and have too great of an attachment to seeing my child achieve because it somehow for me affirms myself as a parent. I want to be a good parent. I want to believe that I have taught my children right from wrong and made it possible for them to succeed....Is this wrong? Perhaps, it is good on a certain level because it is evidence of my love for them but at some point when it becomes about me and what they should accomplish because of what I have given them, it becomes more about my being too self centered. And when it leads me to lash out and to depart from those Christian values that I claim to embrace, it is definitely time to examine my attachments and priorities.

In closing, I add a short prayer which I have taken from the Creighton University Online Retreat for week 4,

"Please, God, help me live my life in a way that draws me closer to you. Help me give up anything that doesn’t do that. Thank you so much for your love and your care for me. Thank you for creating me and desiring me to be in harmony with you."

For the Friendship of True Women

Today's blog reflection is on Friendship. The special kind of friendship that women can share. It is one that transcends time and place. It is where you can feel known understood and validated. Accepted for who you are and and never judged. It is a blessing in life that I truly can say I value above many things.

This week I am finishing up a Ministry of Mothers sharing 8 week journey that I facilitated through church with two other wonderful women and friends. We have had a wonderful group of women from all walks of life and even many different parts of the globe. Each woman has brought a unique perspective and has shared themselves with the others helping all of us to grow. It is a group that makes our parish feel a little smaller and it is its own special community.

During one of our sessions, we focused on the value of friendship in our life and how we are able to share our true selves with one another through these special relationships. The value of friends is truly a godsend at each point in our lives. As young people, we share our hopes and dreams with our friends. As we age and our lives travel in different directions if we are fortunate, we encounter others through work, church and our communities. Ideally, we are able to find those people who are able to share this journey with us and encourage us.

For me this week, I have been reflecting and reconnecting with some of my friends. When circumstances change for example through job or relocation, sometimes the future of our relationships is tested. Either we chose to make an effort to stay connected or the value in some cases of that relationship may end. It is comforting to have those people whom you discover are your friends even when circumstances change. To know that what you share in terms of values and understanding is not lost. These people are truly blessings in our lives and in the midst of change it is so comforting to know and have those upon whom we can rely and turn to when the storms of life set in.

So today I am reflecting with gratitude on the gifts and blessings that come from having true friends. I am thankful for the wonderful women who have shared in the MOMS group over the past 8 weeks. I am thankful for the others I have come to know from prior groups and also many other friends whom I have encountered along my life's journey. For those who are not part of my MOMS group, I want to share a few verses from one of the poems that we meditate on because it conveys for me the power and reach of these special bonds. I have chosen the final stanzas from a poem that bears the same name as my Blog:

"For the friendship of true women, Lord,

That has been and ever shall be,

Since a woman stood at a woman's side by the cross of Calvary.

For the tears we weep, for the trusts we keep,

For the self same prayers we pray,

For the friendship of true women, Lord,

Take you my thanks today. " (taken from MOMS: A Spiritual Journal)

Here is praying that God will continue to bless my friends near and far.

Heros in Faith for the week, hero for today

This week I am focusing on people who have been for me been heroes of Faith. These are those whose faith I aspire to possess and emulate. Ones whom I have encountered in my life who have been beacons of light. Today I choose four three known to me and another a universal symbol of Faith. Although I expected this to be a single entry in order to give due consideration, I am think I will try splitting my entries up.

Let me begin first with someone whom I have recently come to know yet still do not know well who embodies steadfast faith in the most difficult of circumstances. In August, I wrote about the loss of a young man, Scott Crosby, a cheer teammate of my girls who took his own life at the age of 17. My girls and I attended his visitation and memorial service and for the first time met his mother, Tammy. Although we did not know her, we were struck by how strong she appeared to be in the face of such an unfathomable tragedy. It was her who gave comfort to many who waited for up to an hour in the August heat outside a small church in Jones County Georgia to pay tribute to a young man whose loss had shocked many. I watched her greet each visitor with strength and dignity that was almost beyond comprehension. For those of us from the cheer gym, we wondered how she was able to stand through all this sadness so strong. I did not expect to see her again however with the advent of social networking sites and particularly because my daughter Katie had been so profoundly affected by the loss of her teammate I came to understand that it was through a deep faith that she, known to many as "Miss Tammy," was able to go on. So much about this lady is amazing. Having lost her son to the most difficult circumstances imaginable, she does not seek to lay blame but appears to give love and comfort to her family, Scott's friends and even to Scott's girlfriend who many others seek to blame for his death. Recently, I was able to meet her again and participate in a local walk designed to raise money for suicide awareness and prevention. I went with Katie and Lachelle, Scott's former girlfriend. Again, I was astounded by her concern and love toward this young lady telling her to hold her head high and seemingly never looking to place blame even though many of his friends want to blame her for why he took his life. Yesterday, again I had a chance to meet with and speak with Miss Tammy. She had come to the cheer gym to collect money from Katie for T shirts honoring Scott that are being sold to raise money for a suicide prevention fund and for a Memorial Cheer fund set up to help young men and women who love the sport of cheer as Scott did to be able to participate regardless of financial limitations. It is another reminder of what makes her so amazing. She moves forward each day thankful for the blessing of her son's life. She draws her strength from God giving comfort to others even though she is hurting. I am thankful for having the opportunity to witness this true example of faith in action and I pray that she many continue to be strong and be consoled in the difficult days ahead.

It is my intent to share other models of faith in the days ahead. Still to come some of the admininstration and faculty from my children's Catholic Elementary and Middle School and Mother Teresa.

Take My Hand Precious Lord

This week I am struggling to synthesize all that I have experienced spiritually in this blog. This week I have faithfully read all of the readings prescribed by the church for the week. Many wonderful readings were part of this week parables from Luke about the joy of finding one lost sheep and the Beatitudes from Matthew's gospel with the Sermon on the Mount. Also, I have returned to the online retreat that I am striving to experience through Creighton University. I am reading two books, as one is never enough, The Jesuit Guide to (Almost) Everything by James Martin, SJ and a book by Matthew Kelly, The Rhythm of Life, that I am reading with a group of Cursillistas and discussing. In addition, I am facilitating a Ministry of Mother's Sharing Group at Church where I am able to grow through the insights and sharing of a wonderful group of ladies each Monday.

My online retreat beckons me to move from the previous weeks where I recalled God's presence in my life story and to move into the big picture how I fit into creation. For me this was a jump from self focus to adoration of God and all he has created. I'm not sure I successfully made the leap. The photo above is included in the retreat and although I am of lover of nature especially beautiful vistas I initially could not connect to my place in this image. With the bottle of wine, I imagined sitting with my husband and marvelling at the view. This did not quite get me beyond a relaxing vacation which although restorative to the soul did not lead me into much of a faith experience.

Still, I persisted throughout my week recalling this image in the background and experiencing the week more mindful of God's presence in my life. I read a small excerpt each day from the Jesuit book which describes becoming aware of a friendship with God. This book has introduced me to the Jesuit, "Examen," a daily process to make one more aware of God's presence in my life. Using this tool at least once per day, Jesuits are encouraged to faithfully pray. This process has 5 steps: 1. Gratitude for all the days blessings, 2. Grace to know your sins and to renounce them, 3. A complete review of the day from rising until this moment of all your thoughts, words and deeds, 4. Asking God for forgiveness, and 5. To resolve with God's grace to amend your ways and see God's presence more clearly. This has been a helpful way for me to pray and to consciously become more aware of God in my daily life. Along with the Examen, this book this week has described viewing my relationship with God in terms of a friendship. This too has brought many new insights into the week. Some of the points of this discussion include spending time with God, learning and discovering about him, honesty in my relationship to him and listening. It was at this point that the above photo became relevant. Now, I was able to imagine myself not with my husband enjoying a bottle of wine but with God/Jesus just as I would if I were sitting taking in this spectacular view with one of my friends. At this point, I feel ready to continue with week 4 of the retreat open to the idea that God can be one of my best friends and ready to move ahead through this journey to come to know him better.

At this point, I am going to shift topics to my assignment from Matthew Kelly's book, The Rhythm of Life. I neglected my assignment for yesterday to write a list of what I want out of life aka "my dreams." Funny that as I attempted to recite to my fellow Cursillistas my list without having put it on paper I said that I want to write...And yet, I had not even put to pen my own list. So here we go, What I want out of life is:

• To grow in my faith
• To enjoy many more healthy years with the love of my life and best friend, my husband Bill
• To retire sooner than later
• To be more optimistic
• To travel places I want to visit including Alaska, Hawaii, much more of Europe Italy, France, Spain, Greece and more of Germany and Austria. Also the Holy Land and Australia.
• To have a beach house in Florida and a mountain cabin probably in Tennessee
• To enjoy more time with my children and to truly appreciate them. Also though this is up to them and not in my control to see them grow up to be good people
• To spend more time with some of my closest friends Kathy & John, Nigel and Patty, Sherrie and Rick
• To continue to work doing something that I love and that makes me fulfilled but not too exhausted to enjoy and savor life
• To find the time to write, photograph and chronicle my life and the lives of those in my family.
• To be a bit more organized and procrastinate less so as to create less frustration for myself and others.
• To continue to enjoy the companionship and joy of my pets and other animals. Sorry Bill...

The purpose of this list is to help individuals to redirect their lives from this point on and for them to begin living with passion and purpose. Matthew Kelly points out that age young or old is not a barrier and cites numerous examples of men and women young and old who have achieved greatness.

So as I arrive at the end of another long and I'm sure disjointed blog, a song my mother used to sing a few phrases of pops into my head, Take Me Home Precious Lord was sung by Elvis Presley. This causes me to reflect that I am called this day to grow in my friendship with God. In the background, there is my list of dreams and hopes which I share not only with my group of Cursillistas but with God, my friend. I imagine talking this over with him placing myself in the photo above and as I do I think to myself that it is going to be great day.