For me it is not hard to imagine a feeling of hopelessness. I suffer in the present and have for some time suffered from depression. Some days, it is a general lack of purposefulness that fills my day. I struggle to complete tasks dishes, laundry, grocery shopping etc. I lack perspective as there seems to be no meaning attached to these mundane chores. Worse yet, I fill my day with distractions and find that at the end of the day, I have accomplished little or nothing. This further contributes to a personal feeling of worthlessness and even worse the sense that I have let those closest to me such as my husband and family down.
At other times, my feeling of hopelessness is fueled by something that is happening in my life of a distressing nature such as the time during which my father was struggling profoundly with mental illness and in and out of psychiatric facilities. At points like this in my life, I have felt overwhelmed and struggled to understand my own role in addressing the crisis at hand. Worse yet I find it difficult to comprehend how God might be at work in the midst of what seems to be a hopeless and unsolvable situation.
As I write this, I am not currently experiencing a feeling of despair or hopelessness even though life presently is not without some struggles. Today, I am allowing myself to believe that I am walking this journey with God by my side. I am open to his spirit directing me toward what I need to do even in the small things and allowing myself to believe that God loves me now and wants me to move forward in life and not live my life in by dwelling on mistakes and failures but with a sense of hope.
Being open to his spirit led me today to return to a project I started months ago an online retreat found on the pages of the Creighton University website and based on the spiritual exercises of St Ignatius of Loyola. This project began in October and was to proceed weekly for 34 weeks. For awhile I did well with this but at some point as is often in my nature, I faltered and now I find myself in July having not moved beyond week 13 and not revisited this journey for some time. For the last several days, I have felt called to revisit this so today I responded with a yes and found my way back to week 14, where the focus is upon the earthly family of Jesus people like his mother Mary, father Joseph and Aunt and Uncle Elizabeth and Zechariah.
I find myself drawn to Elizabeth and Zechariah and am asked to picture in my imagination their lives, a married couple advanced in age who had not been blessed with a child. Although not personally able to comprehend this feeling of despair having not experienced infertility in my own life, I have known the struggle of many families for whom this was a very painful and prolonged source of suffering. Being in the midst of other struggles is something, I can easily relate to, as noted above, and with my own personal struggles, I have often felt a profound sense of hopelessness. It is difficult when one reads the Bible stories that have a beginning and an end to forget that there was a time in between, often a long time, where those involved no doubt struggled with a sense of hopelessness. How did Elizabeth and Zechariah face their days before she was pregnant? I try to imagine their feelings of jealously as others in their community became parents while they struggled with not being so blessed. Did they question God? How did they remain faithful and live through the days and years and finally acceptance of what they had come to believe would never be?
In just few Bible verses in Luke the entire struggle and ultimate triumph with the birth of St John the Baptist unfolds. Perhaps this is a reminder to those like myself who suffer periods of despair not to become overly focused on the hopelessness of any situation but to look with hope and expectancy believing that God can work in all things for good. It is a reminder to greet each day knowing that God is walking alongside of me gently urging me forward to do those things that I must do and that others need me to do trusting that God himself is in control of the outcome and that the future may be full of surprises.
