More from the Prodigal and the Blame game

Some days being a parent is far from what you imagined and hoped. When my son was born shortly after my mother's death, there were so many days of joy and simple pleasures. To this day I cannot think of anything that gave more pure joy to my life. Taking Will to the park daily or taking him to the nearby Springs in the Summer and basking in the joy of him sitting in the water close to shore while the fish darted close to his feet as he played and giggled these are great memories.

Sadly now I find myself confronted by a child that bears little resemblance to this person for whom I had so many hopes and dreams. Clashes over who he has become and what he intends to do with his life now seem to dominate every exchange between this child and his father and me. We continue to wonder what could we have done different?

Despite that we love him and have spent countless hours of worry and effort to try to give him the best opportunities in life, he feels that we do not listen or care and wants nothing more than to be away from us. The pain from this lack of appreciation is profound. In my heart, I believe that we have done everything for this child and been good parents. Will is at a point where despite the opportunities given to him and the love of his parents it is up to him. He wants to be treated as an adult yet is angry that he is being held to the responsibilities of that role. Since the beginning of high school we have watched with disappointment his poor choices and how they continue to move him to a place of less and less opportunity.

We have tried to intervene in meaningful ways. Counselors, tutors, changing schools and ultimately an intervention program his final year of high school in a desperate attempt to help him turn away from drugs and get his high school diploma. We were so hopeful in August when he reached this milestone. Sadly despite our best efforts and intentions, our son has not taken control of his life. He instead resents us and everything we have done and all our current efforts to encourage him to take charge of his life.

Since moving back home about a week ago, he has become more and more demanding and resentful. It seems impossible for him to recognize that what we want for him is to support him in a way that allows him to move forward in life. Yet as adults who have some understanding of the demands of day to day life, we are seeking to hold him accountable for his choices. He is in a very sad place. He is angry because he has no idea what direction that he wants to take in his life. All our suggestions college or trade school are labeled as unreasonable expectations and he is lost in a place where he has no motivation to work toward any goal. His day to day existence is focused on hanging out with friends, having a girlfriend although this person changes frequently, playing video games and partying. If he had his way, he would not work, sleep all day, play video games and party all night. This is not a lifestyle that we can accept.

Last night ended with yet another angry exchange. He wants us to pay for him to live in a dorm in Florida and go to college. Although going away to college was part of our dreams for our son, his past history tell us that this will allow him only a short time move out of the house and will result in us paying for him to live on his own while he continues a pattern of lack of effort in school and more failing grades. We find ourselves in a place where in light of his continued poor choices, lack of follow through and motivation we cannot be hopeful that by providing him with this opportunity he will finally take charge and move forward. Sadly, he is completely focused on how what WE have done has failed him.

In January, Will began attending community college. Although he did well in 2 of his courses, he struggled in his math course. Ultimately, he dropped this course. It is amazing to hear him say that the reason that he could not succeed was caused by the inferior education that he received at the intervention program he went to from March-August of last year. The question had to be asked so what did you do with the opportunities in school prior to this?

We are locked into a losing battle. Will who wants to blame someone or something for why his life is the way it is and us as his parents wanting for him to accept basic responsibilities which he either cannot or chooses to not. So where does this leave us? Not sure...it seems however that we are at a crossroads and one where perhaps despite our love and desire to help and support this child, we are powerless but for prayer.

Back on the Horse

Ok the pity party is over! My motto for the day. I am getting back on the horse and moving forward!

Today my first stop was at the online readings for the day. What counsel can God give me to start my day? Today's reading from the Acts of the Apostles, The conversion of St Paul. Lots of lessons for my own life and for my son's as well from that story. For me although I was able to focus on other things these past few weeks as I went back to swimming and teaching, I have been neglecting my daily spirituality in many ways. I have gotten away from starting my day with the daily readings and remembering to tune into God and his will throughout the busyness of my days. Then when the rain comes as in life it always does I am much like St Paul knocked off my horse and feeling blinded without direction. So that I am here first before other things and giving God my attention first and foremost that is a good thing.

For my son, there is more blindness and a longer journey ahead. This biblical conversion reminds me that God can get the attention of even the most stubborn and hard hearts. Another nugget from yesterday from Kelly was that as much as I love my son, God loves him more. The bible certainly gives us many examples of how God pursues and reaches to those who are misdirected. So perhaps it would be most productive to look at what I see as my son's failures as an opportunity for his growth and redirection. This is no doubt where hope and prayer come in. How can God help me to be a positive and loving instrument to shine a light to Will to a better path? How would God want me to reach out to this child as he would? I think this will be my question for the day..finding the balance between holding him accountable all the while communicating we love you, change is possible and God loves you too.

So today I pray that Will will start the first day of his journey first with a contrite heart. I pray that I can reach toward him with love, releasing my anger knowing and communicating in a more loving manner that we all make mistakes and can instead choose to focus our energy not only on past mistakes but on getting back on the horse and starting on a better journey.

Another Day more frustration

Last night I went to bed frustrated and between a busy day swimming and all I fell asleep before I could even see who got booted off American Idol. So today is another day? I have barely been up 1 hour and my child has brought new frustrations my way.

What should be my response? I am so very frustrated! First, I call my husband at work for a conversation of you're not going to believe what he's done now. I could not even continue my conversation with Will I'm just so frustrated and tired of poor decision making and choices. I suppose it's time for tough love so you quit your job and have no money and a tattoo and moved out and you want my help? The emotions over his actions come cascading like a tidal wave. Anger, you don't want to listen to anything I have to say yet you are all too happy to approach me with your hand out for money. Frustration what should I have done as a parent that I did not do...what can I do now to help shift this course. Embarrassment why is this kid so messed up? Disappointment you have rejected our values and chosen poorly. Sadness, I hurt that I am powerless to motivate you to change direction and chart a different course?

The only common denominator to all this is there appears to be no solution. I can and do call my friends who listen patiently and try to repair my shattered self image which although it probably should not be is somehow tied to how this person who is my child and how he is doing in life. They assure me that I have done all the right things and that it is incomprehensible that he should be so off course. I thank God for my friends and my husband who have and continue to be there throughout this journey.

Shortly after the first phone call this morning I try to get to a place of peace and resolve by turning to the Catholic readings for the day. My faith tells me that God is the place to go for the impossible. I am a believer and for this I thank God. My son has rejected the faith and values of his faith which for me is one of the greatest disappointments. To me it is no wonder that he is at a place for despair. He is the prodigal son one who has and continues to live based on his own whim and without direction or willingness to accept counsel. A good Christian friend today reminded me of this biblical parable. Thanks Kelly! We all know the story the prodigal son and how after spending his inheritance repents and comes home. At times like this I wish the bible could provide a bit more detail. How long did his father wait? How did he cope in the meantime? Did he feel like a bad parent or give up hope? Did he yell at his son? It is all summed up in a relatively few short passages and the message is one of hope but one where the resolution depends upon not the parent but the child having a change of heart. I just wish there were more instructions to the parent on how to promote that change. Waiting is such a powerless feeling and my son is not in a foreign land. Once again he is on my doorstep and going nowhere with his life.

The rest of our lives are disrupted. Bill comes home from work and I cancel lessons. The girls worry and hurt for their brother and are sick of the chaos from his poor decisions. Tough love? He now has no job, his car is parked in the driveway. He lives in a family where he has been given every advantage. How do we love him while holding him accountable? Do we close the door and leave him to further make even worse choices? If not how do we intervene meaningfully? As I said common denominator is there is no easy answer!

So you are an adult?

I hate to be negative when my child is concerned but...the day comes when that child is not a little boy but a young man. I love my son, I do but as with anyone you love sometimes they disappoint you.

My son has his struggles he is ADHD and also bipolar. No one wants to have challenges. I'm ADHD too and I struggle to prioritize and stay on task. My father was diagnosed bipolar at age 71..he too was probably ADHD since I think I'm somewhat qualified to recognize this at this point. As Will's mom, I've done my best to identify, learn, and seek solutions. We have brought Will to all the "experts" counselors, psychiatrists, OT and educational experts as well. All in an effort to help him manage and come to terms with these diagnosis.

I've always hoped that these interventions would give him a shot at exercising some management over his life. He has had everything but at some point as a child matures into a teen and young adult, all the interventions in the world make no difference. That's because they at some point seek to assert their own independence. They choose their own friends. Perhaps school performance slacks off and it is not about finding the appropriate experts to fix and address this problem but about the child taking responsibility.

As a concientious parent you still beat yourself up. What have I not done? Many things I'm sure. And sadly the child is eager to avoid personal responsibility and point the finger at you with accusations such as "you expect too much..." I'll never be good enough..." The challenge is to give your child the tools while still holding him accountable. If I've failed perhaps this is where.

I'm frustrated though. My child has grown up very blessed and he doesn't have a clue. Private education, 2 married parents that love each other, many opportunities, vacations, pre paid college tuition. Though not perfect, we have been involved and caring parents So many of those his age I see don't have a fraction of what he has been given...

So what is he doing with his life? Finally after years of nagging, he has a part time job bagging groceries. He has moved out and is living with a friend where no one questions his comings and goings since he is an adult and we should not have any rights in this regard. He has chosen poorly regarding friends and girl friends and struggled to complete high school. He did reach this milestone last August but only because he was blessed enough for his parents to pay dearly for an intervention program. That prepaid college education...he has taken 2 classes and says he's too stressed out to continue.

Yes, you love your children but their choices make you crazy. My son wants to run his own life and at 19 legally he has earned that right. But running your own life means living with the consequences of your own actions. It is not up to me to pay for you to do your own thing. That is not love it is enabling. Maybe I didn't teach you well enough before now but it is no longer up to me but is up to you. Your teacher is now the school of hard knocks. You can by pass college and get your body tatooed but where will you be in 10 years? I'm not optimistic because I know how tough it is out there and I want better for you. Catch is you have to want better for you and resolve to head down a different path.

So my son although I know you do not see things our way because we are just your stupid parents, I do hope and pray because prayer is where you go when you accept that you cannot control but must let go and hope and trust that maybe with time and maturity you will start down the real path to adulthood and realize that comes with wise choices that are entirely your own.

My mother, the grandma my kids never knew

Today was a really good day. Swim lessons started for the season. I feel my best when I am engaged and working with children teaching them to swim. I can't think of better therapy. As I was meeting and talking to my new and old families today I realized that today was April 12th.

Twenty years ago today my mother died. In the years right after, this date never passed unnoticed. I must admit though that some years have passed since then where I didn't focus on that yes today was the day. Nevertheless I don't feel sad today. If she were alive now she would be almost 80. I can't picture my mom that way because she never was old...59 is not by my way of thinking old. I'll be there in less 15 years myself and despite what my 14 year old Katie thinks, I am not old!

I have been thinking about her a bit this past week. Seeing my daughter Emily go to her first prom on Saturday got me to thinking what kind of Grandma she would have been to my kids. She was kind and loving and would have really loved my kids and would have taken an interest in whatever they did. I miss that my kids did not get to experience that part of her.

I started wondering about what might have been the past few weeks. My husband's parents are good people... they love their grandchildren but watching them has made me long for my kids to have had that connection to my mom and for them to feel that special kind of love that I know she would have given them had she lived to have that opportunity.

I have an idea of what a grandparent should and can be. I guess that came mostly from my mother's mother, my grandma Taylor. She was the only grandparent I ever knew because all the others were gone by the time I was one. Growing up she was awesome. Very involved especially once she moved near us to St Petersburg from Baltimore. I never can imagine her not going to a school play, dance recital or the like. That was part of being grandma! Of course I was her only grandchild, but I'm sure if she had others, she would have been the same. She always made me feel special whether it was by spending time with me or letting me move in all summer just because I loved being with her and staying with her. Looking back I realize one of the greatest gifts she gave me was that she affirmed me in a way which made me feel that I was special both as a person and to her.

My mother was much the same to me. She gave so much to me in terms of her time and I knew that I held a very special place in her heart. She conveighed this to me by her actions and the importance that she paid to what was important to me. I really feel that my children are cheated by not having this experience. Like I said, my in-laws are good people but in my opinion, they have missed much in terms of learning who my children are by making a point of experiencing what was and is important to them.

Both girls have been competitive cheerleaders for almost 6 years yet their grandparents have never been to a single competition. I think that is sad. Not because they are missing the most awesome experience by going into a crowded competition hall and watching the girls perform for 2 minutes and 30 seconds but because they miss that opportunity to reach out to my girls and say, "Wow, that was awesome, you are really good at this. .. great job. " My kids have never experienced this from them. They have had their Godparents come and see them and friends but never their own grandparents.

I'm not writing to be petty but it hurts to know that they could experience this relationship with the girls and my mother never got that opportunity. I have always tried to encourage the girls to accept them for who they are and to focus on what is special about their grandparents but in my heart I really feel like this is part of the job description.

Although I've kind of gotten used to the slights over the years in this respect, it really hit home this past week between the Prom and the anniversary of my mother's death. We spent Easter Sunday with the grandparents at their house. We had just come back from Spring Break and had gone shopping for Emily's prom dress. I got out the computer and showed my mother-in-law the pictures I had taken of Emily trying on her dress. After showing her, I picked up the laptop and said I'm going to show Grandpa too! Her response, "Oh he wouldn't be interested."... Say what? This is your first grandaughter and she is going to the Prom in a week, a major event by teenage standards...are you serious? Sadly the answer was yes, Grandpa really wasn't very interested even when I went ahead and showed him the pictures. I know they do love Emily, Katie and Will but why can't they be a little more like my mother?

She would have oohed and ahhed told Emily that it was so beautiful and that she was going to look like a princess on Prom night. I want so much for my kids to experience that unabashed attention like she gave to me and like I experienced from my own grandma but that is not to be because they can never experience that grandma-grandchild relationship since she is not here to share that with them.

So although I no longer feel sad for myself, after all it's not uncommon for your parents to be deceased at 80+, I do yearn for a relationship for my children that never was and never can be. It's up to me just as my parents did with the grandparents I never knew to tell them about who my mother was and how much she would have loved and valued each of them. So Emily and Katie, I want you to know that your Grandma would have dearly loved both of you and Will as well. And if she were here and able she probably would have been at most of your cheer competitions, soccer games and of course Grandparents Day at school. Nothing would have given her greater joy and I'm sorry that you can't experience this from her. I also want you to remember that your grandparents who are here love you too even though they don't do all these things. Always love them for who they are and seek to understand and forgive for their shortcomings they don't mean anything by it.

Emily, your Grandma would have thought you picked the most beautiful dress and would have loved to see you wear it and if not she would have fussed over the pictures we sent her. I wish you could have known her and experienced this special kind of love from her.

Also Katie since you already think I am old, I want you to know that when it is time for your father and I to be grandparents someday, we will, God willing, be there to cheer them on with whatever they do and I for one will make a big fuss over them to let them know that I love them and think they are awesome!