Last night I went to bed frustrated and between a busy day swimming and all I fell asleep before I could even see who got booted off American Idol. So today is another day? I have barely been up 1 hour and my child has brought new frustrations my way.
What should be my response? I am so very frustrated! First, I call my husband at work for a conversation of you're not going to believe what he's done now. I could not even continue my conversation with Will I'm just so frustrated and tired of poor decision making and choices. I suppose it's time for tough love so you quit your job and have no money and a tattoo and moved out and you want my help? The emotions over his actions come cascading like a tidal wave. Anger, you don't want to listen to anything I have to say yet you are all too happy to approach me with your hand out for money. Frustration what should I have done as a parent that I did not do...what can I do now to help shift this course. Embarrassment why is this kid so messed up? Disappointment you have rejected our values and chosen poorly. Sadness, I hurt that I am powerless to motivate you to change direction and chart a different course?
The only common denominator to all this is there appears to be no solution. I can and do call my friends who listen patiently and try to repair my shattered self image which although it probably should not be is somehow tied to how this person who is my child and how he is doing in life. They assure me that I have done all the right things and that it is incomprehensible that he should be so off course. I thank God for my friends and my husband who have and continue to be there throughout this journey.
Shortly after the first phone call this morning I try to get to a place of peace and resolve by turning to the Catholic readings for the day. My faith tells me that God is the place to go for the impossible. I am a believer and for this I thank God. My son has rejected the faith and values of his faith which for me is one of the greatest disappointments. To me it is no wonder that he is at a place for despair. He is the prodigal son one who has and continues to live based on his own whim and without direction or willingness to accept counsel. A good Christian friend today reminded me of this biblical parable. Thanks Kelly! We all know the story the prodigal son and how after spending his inheritance repents and comes home. At times like this I wish the bible could provide a bit more detail. How long did his father wait? How did he cope in the meantime? Did he feel like a bad parent or give up hope? Did he yell at his son? It is all summed up in a relatively few short passages and the message is one of hope but one where the resolution depends upon not the parent but the child having a change of heart. I just wish there were more instructions to the parent on how to promote that change. Waiting is such a powerless feeling and my son is not in a foreign land. Once again he is on my doorstep and going nowhere with his life.
The rest of our lives are disrupted. Bill comes home from work and I cancel lessons. The girls worry and hurt for their brother and are sick of the chaos from his poor decisions. Tough love? He now has no job, his car is parked in the driveway. He lives in a family where he has been given every advantage. How do we love him while holding him accountable? Do we close the door and leave him to further make even worse choices? If not how do we intervene meaningfully? As I said common denominator is there is no easy answer!
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