Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Invited to be Loved



In keeping with my New Years resolution, I am once again working on a blog to encourage and record the journey of gratitude that I am endeavoring to pursue in 2011. This week's subject will intersect with my continuing journey along the road of the online retreat. Week 10 in the online retreat I have taken my time with. It asks that you consider your response to God's invitation of Love. It has left me pondering my sense of my relationship with God.

What I have discovered is that my views of religion and relationship have centered for much of my life around the obligation that I have to follow God. This no doubt comes to a certain extent from my cradle Catholic upbringing. I realize that in many ways I have come to focus to a large extent on God as my judge and somehow making myself worthy to obtain the promise of salvation by what I say and do. It is a challenge for me to accept that God's love does not depend upon my actions and to understand that it is really much simpler. Some things come to mind the way that you love a very young child or a pet, for me my dogs, but of course that does not begin to compare to the love that God has for each of us. As I look at my dogs, I think that my love for them is not dependent in any way upon their achievements and also that despite their misdeeds such as the hole dug in the yard or the sock chewed or the raiding of the garbage can I still value and love them. I can only imagine how much more depth and understanding comes from God who is the source of all goodness and love.

Considering and pondering and accepting that I am loved for who I am brings me to a whole new place. It is a place where gratitude flows so naturally. How can I respond with anything but amazement when I am finally able to accept that I am loved unconditionally? It is as if that so many of the biblical stories I have heard for my entire life have a whole new meaning. The seemingly unimportant sheep that by his nature is not the brightest animal on the farm wanders off and yet God, the father, the Shepard values this creature so much to go looking for him and even to celebrate when he is returned. And the parable of the Prodigal son that over the past year I focused on in terms of my own child and how I was supposed to love without limits waiting and praying for his return. Now I look back over many times in my life and see those times when I was the prodigal and blessed to have a heavenly father who loved me and waited for me and simply rejoiced when I returned and asked for his forgiveness.

It is as if I have been asleep all those years when I was going to church and practicing my faith. Why was I unable to see and accept my calling to relationship with God as an invitation of Love? I am really feeling like I have discovered a whole new dimension of spirituality and that viewing my relationship with God under the guidance of Jesuit spiritual resources which began with the Creighton University Daily devotions and then from the Online retreat is opening my eyes in so many wonderful ways. I feel bit by bit my daily outlook changing as well. From ugh I have to cook and clean to asking what is God inviting me to do for others? It is transforming when you clean up the kitchen because you think during the process that I am doing this because God blessed me with this house, these children and this is my way of saying thank you.

So as I look upon the photo I have chosen taken by a good friend, I see something inspiring. Instead of looking outside at the barren and cold landscape and wishing I was off in Hawaii right now, I reflect that this sheep is too in the middle of a barren field and yet someone has cared for him enough to provide hay for food. I ask myself what blessings are there right now today in my life that I am thankful for? I realize I could fill a page by taking the time to really reflect and look and be grateful. So today even though it is cold and windy and not as I would have it in every way, I am trying to look at my day for a sense of purpose asking myself what God has put before me and the ways in which I am invited to love him and the ways that I can accomplish that by ordinary and even small acts of love for others.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

A Journey of the Soul


Surrounded outside by a wintery day, there is time for reflection that often does not present itself in day to day life. This past summer I finally realized one of my greatest dreams to visit Europe and in particular to see Germany one of the homes of my father's anscestors. We started our trip in Sweden where my sister in law lives with her family and journeyed by train from there down through Denmark and all the way to Southern Germany to the city of Munich or as it is known in German, Munchen.

Yesterday as I was home passing the time, I was again reading through the book, "Seasons of Grace." It never ceases to amaze me how something that presents itself in day to day life really calls you to examine or reexamine things you have experienced with a fresh perspective. So yesterday as I read about journeys of the soul I again recalled a time during my trip to Germany with gratitude and fond memories.

As is often the case with our family vacations, I am the planner. So this Summer when we decided to finally bear with the expense and go to Europe I set about planning the logistics of the trip. I studied the routes necessary to get to Southern Germany from Stockholm by train choosing Munich because of its reputation as a safe, beautiful, historical city with traditional German Biergartens and close proximity to Saltzburg, Austria another city I had long dreamed of visiting.

My dreams of visiting Germany began years before growing up with my father who was a lover of history and proud of his German heritage. I was aware that my great, great, great, great grandmother had imigrated in the 1800s from a small town near Baden Baden Germany. I had visited the cemetery with my father in Lancaster, Ohio, where he too is now buried, and had seen her grave in the family plot. My father had long been interested in his German heritage and had introduced me to German food and music. He too yearned for a long time to visit this country and visit the historical places and take in this culture which represented his ancestoral heritage.

My father made his first trip to Europe in 1990, the year I was pregnant with my son, Will. It was several months after my mother died and I think that her death, although they were divorced, prompted him to go ahead and realize what for him had long been a dream. I felt incredible joy for my father even though I was unable to accompany him and remember looking at all the photos he brought home with him and hearing his stories as he was finally able to make what for him was the trip of a lifetime. In 1992 just about the time my daughter Emily was to be born, he made his second trip this one limited to just Germany and Austria. At the time, we were a bit annoyed that the trip was scheduled shortly after my due date and although my father had hoped that the baby would be born before he left this did not happen. Instead, Emily was born while dad was visiting a city in the newly opened East Germany. It took a day or 2 before I was able to make contact with him and talk on the phone but I was able to get a message to him through the tour group that he was travelling with that he was again a grandfather and this time had a grandaughter named Emily after his own mother. When he returned, he told me about the celebration that had taken place at the Bierhaus he visited that evening in celebration of her birth. He also returned with 2 Christmas ornaments which remind me each year of him, of Emily's birth and his trip to Germany that year.

Consequently from the moment I began planning this trip, I thought often of my father. I wished he were alive to discuss the planning and to share his vast knowledge of history with me so that I might even better appreciate this trip. As he had died in 2005 at age 76, this was something that we would never share together yet I felt his spirit was with me and knew that he would have taken great joy in my embarking on this journey just as I had years ago when he made his trip as well. As an avid reader, I read much about this trip prior to departure through books and through the internet as well.

When I finally arrived in Europe on July 2, 2010 and landed in Stockholm, Sweden, I felt as though I had realized one of my greatest dreams in my life by travelling to Europe. As I sat on the train on July 5th taking the long ride to Munich, the words to the Aerosmith song entered my head, "Don't want to close my eyes, don't want to fall asleep...cause I don't want to miss a thing." Although I was no doubt somewhat jet lagged, I was spellbound by all the new sights as we travelled through the countryside. We arrived that evening in Munich and found our way to our hotel by taking the fairly short walk from the train station.

Dinner that evening was at the Augustiner Beer Garden conveniently located just down the street from our hotel. Further gracing our trip to Europe and especially Munich was the absolutely perfect weather, warm and no rain. The Augustiner Beer Garden is a traditional biergarten serving huge mugs of beer on draft of course under outside under chestnut trees while you sit on picnic tables. Dinner is self service by visiting vendors surrounding the biergarten and ordering from traditional German fare sausage, roasted meats, and pretzels to enjoy with your beer. We returned to our hotel and looked forward to our first day touring the city in the morning.

As Bill and I are early risers, we awoke early ready to head out. The girls are night owls and were still a bit jet lagged so Katie elected to stay asleep in the room while Emily was ready to join us for a bit of sightseeing. We walked out of our hotel to the nearby S Bahn stop which would allow us to take public transportation to the center of the old city. Here as we opened our tour book, "Germany for Dummies," we began what would become one of my fondest memories of our trip as we attempted to deciper the routes to we needed to take to our destination. An elderly gentleman upon realizing that we were lost Americans spoke to us in English and explained the route we needed to take. Much to our surprise, he offered to accompany us and show us the way. As I looked at his face, I saw a face that was strikingly similar to my fathers and was struck by the realization that my father's features must have been very characteristic of those who like him were of German heritage.

We rode the S Bahn a short distance with Walter who was eager to point out many of the sights along the way and explain to us in English what was what along the way. When we reached our stop, Walter led us walking along the street toward our destination. Walter like my father was very friendly and seemingly quite knowledgeable of much of the history of his city and country. He pointed out to us the city architecture which consistent with the Catholic heritage of Southern Germany had images of of the Virgin Mary not just on churches but carved into ordinary buildings as well. He stopped and pointed out one of the 5 remaining city gates built in the 1300s. Here we asked our new companion if we could take a picture of him and I snapped a photo of him with Bill and Emily to memorialize this adventure. Next Walter pointed out a smaller but very ornate church and led us inside. This had not been on my to do list of places to visit but here tucked between a few homes was a church known as Asamkirche http://www.sacred-destinations.com/germany/munich-asamkirche It hard to believe upon looking at the lavish and ornate decorations inside that this was a private church built by 2 brothers in the mid 1700s. It was breathtakingly beautiful and I felt as though I had discovered a rare treasure. As I see and visit churches wherever I go, I always am in awe of how God inspires people to take the time to create something so magnificant. It is a reminder to me of how great and good is the God that we serve.

Upon leaving the church, we journeyed just a short distance further to the Marienplaz which is a pedestrian only area in the heart of old Munich. The Glockenspiel or clock tower is a famous visited sight and is sort of large cuckoo clock complete with elaborately carved mechanical figures that go into motion playing music and dancing upon certain hours although we had not arrived at a time when this was occurring. This clock is located atop the Neues Rathaus or new town hall. Just inside the town hall is an outside dining area for the Ratskellar restaurant where people can enjoy casual dining during the warmer months. Walter directed our attention to a plaque in one of the archways en route to the courtyard of this building written in German and memorializing the American and Allied liberation of this city in 1945. As I said, Walter reminded me in an uncanny way of my own father and if I had to guess he was probably very close to how old my father would have been. It was a reminder in an age where Americans have become a target and our tradition of protecting freedom put into question of a time and a generation that greatly appreciated our country and its willingness to step onto a foreign soil to help others. It is also a sentiment that my father, a retired major in the US Army who served for many years instilled in me and would have shared.

At this point, having arrived at our destination but having been enriched by the company of a friendly stranger, we offered to buy Walter lunch or even to join us for a drink. He politely declined as he was ready to go onto his original destination. We parted with friendly handshakes but we were extremely grateful to this kind stranger who had taken some of his time to share with us his beautiful city and enabled us to see and appreciate a number of sights that without his guidance we would have been oblivious to seeing or appreciating. Bill, Emily and myself in particular were also struck by how much Walter reminded us of my father someone who if he had been with us would have likewise been able to enrich our experience with his knowledge and appreciation for German culture and history. It was one of those moments when you sense that someone whom you deeply loved but who has died is looking down upon you and somehow reaching toward you in a special way. I intended to write down this experience during my visit to Germany but never seemed to find the time to compose my thoughts however as I look back on this experience now months past, I feel a sense of joy and gratitude. For the rest of my trip, I felt the presence of my dad especially when I did some of the things that I know he would have loved like drinking beer in the Biergarten each night. I imagined as I visited certain sights that he too had journeyed along these same paths earlier also with a sense of joy and appreciation much like I was feeling throughout my travels. I felt that even though we had never been able to and never would be able to take this journey together physically a certain shared experience one that I will remember forever. It is strange and wonderful to think that God sends us people and experiences from time to time that give you a sense that he and those we love and have loved are reaching toward us in an almost divine or supernatural way. Thank you Lord for the kindness of strangers who are known intimately by you and for the angels who cross our paths during our lives.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Grateful not Grumpy

So with the New Year and my quest to be more grateful in life I've become aware of many times throughout the day when I nurture negativity. Here's an example, I drive my daughter to school most mornings and she is always rushing and barely making it on time. I make "helpful" suggestions which she doesn't want to accept and upon dropping her off, I reach for my cell phone to call a friend and complain about how unprepared she is...Does this nurture gratitude? Clearly not! Why not instead turn up the radio and take in the sunrise or focus on what has gone right this week like her getting accepted to the college of her choice.

Seems that this gratitude thing is going to take a bit of work and cultivating. To start with, I purchased a book, "Seasons of Grace. " This book is a kind of self help manual to teach someone, such as myself who can be a bit too cynical, how to live with gratitude. The book is organized according to the seasons, Spring, Summer, Winter and Fall. It felt a bit awkward starting at the beginning in Spring when outside we are in the midst of a very cold winter and as I write I'm looking out upon scattered leaves, barren trees, grey skies and rain. I've never been a fan of Winter and can feel each year how my motivation during the cold months drops to nil as I await Spring and Summer.

Nonetheless being the first week of the New Year, I'm still determined to forge ahead with a more thankful spirit opening my eyes to the blessings that exist in my life. So I've continued to read and now find myself reading the reflections about Summer where the authors remind the reader of the opportunities available during the Summertime for taking the time to play wholeheartedly as a child does. When we moved to Georgia over four years ago, we decided we would invest in a boat that would allow us to spend time at a nearby lake with our family and also in order to have an activity that would allow us to entertain our children and their friends. In recent memories of Summer and play the time that we spend boating on the lake stands out of a reminder of the value of play for all of us.

Our days on the lake are full of many pleasures that we can savor. Both the kids and adults laugh as we are pulled along behind the boat bouncing in the wake. On 100 degree Georgia Summer days, it is a welcome relief from the heat as we are cooled by the water and speed of the boat. We usually pack a picnic lunch and make a day or afternoon of this activity. We challenge ourself to waterski and kneeboard cheering each other on as we fight to gain our balance and enjoy the ride. We take breaks by pulling up to the shore of one of the County parks where we lay in the sun and play in the sand as well. Our Summers boating on the lake have been some of the most memorable in Georgia.

Yet as I look outside, I am reminded that summer is about 5 months away...what about today can I savor since many days will pass before we will be playing on the lake again? It does little good to focus only on what is to come. What opportunities are before me today that might spark my interest and passion?

I've started a new ritual the past week. After my 2 cups of coffee, I'm primarily a water drinker. Each morning now I fill up my glass and try to remember to drink often. I've started keeping this glass at least half full at all times, my reminder that I am blessed in so many ways in my life and I need to take stock of the here and now. I'm working hard not to replay the negative but to look for those opportunities of gratitude that surround me each day. A few days ago I took a few moments before bed to perform a suggested gratitude exercise by looking around my surroundings at familiar things. I spend a lot of time in my bedroom each day but often with my head bent over the computer or rushing in or out on my way to here or there. I often key into the bed stand with my piles of books and other clutter that drive my husband crazy and focus on what I should be doing like cleaning. Instead this time, I took the time to look at all the things that should inspire a feeling of gratitude like the photo of our wedding picture and the photos of my children. I looked at the framed art from the Tennessee mountains and was reminded of the beauty of this and of the many happy times that our family has spent on vacations there. I also looked at the angels decorating my room, the bible verse over my bed and the rosary and cursillio cross hanging from my dresser. This reminded me that God was present in so many ways in my life and encouraged me to feel thankful and at peace.

So despite being icebound today, I'm feeling hopeful that this could be the year when I'm able to stay a bit more positive about the circumstances of my life whatever the season.