Today is Mother's Day, a day with much meaning for many and myself no exception. It is a day when I remember my own Mother and the depth of her love for me and miss that in my day to day life. It is also funny enough a day when I remember my father who though now too deceased was born on Mother's Day 82 years ago. And now as I too am a Mother it is a day when I remember the Mother's Days of past years especially those when my children were younger and the joy of motherhood was simpler and not burdened by the day to day realities of raising teens and a prodigal.
For me this morning did not begin with little ones bouncing into bed with smiles, hugs or pancakes and cards made of paper and crayons. I have memories of those days and remember when I felt valued by my children and loved and needed. I have pin on buttons that they made in elementary school that I once wore proclaiming to all that I was the best Mommy ever. I have memories of the 1st grade Mother's Day tea where on the Friday before Mother's Day all of us were invited to the class and our little ones charmed us with reading the story by Robert Munsch, "I'll Love Your Forever." We needed plenty of kleenex that day but for tears caused by the simple sweetness of our precious little ones and thinking that one day they would be grown and we would be old yet our love for them would be forever.
Today instead began with tears of concern and worry and acknowledgement that as expected my children like myself are not perfect. They have and continue to make mistakes. I find myself on a roller coaster that does not end. I have some proud Mommy moments still but I have as those who know me can attest my share of significant issues with raising my kids these past 4 or 5 years. My life is not all bleak but there are moments when I truly feel as though I have in some way failed to effectively guide my children. When I brush off those thoughts, I know however that yes I have made mistakes but I have tried to give my kids what I could to help them. They have had love, advantages, involved parents and a good education. We have done more than most together as a family...I know this but the uncertainty of looking and knowing how important and crucial the next few years are for each of them and feeling often completely incapable of ensuring and directing the outcome is on many days overwhelming.
My role as a mother is in transition. I don't have the answers or the perfect recipe at this point and perhaps me nor any mother does. Today I empathize with others as I know I am not alone even when I feel that there are no answers to the dilemmas. There are many like me who are waking up today and shaking their heads and feeling torn between those innocent memories of a simpler time and the reality of wishing that somehow they could fast forward and know that when all is said and done things with the kids would turn out OK.
So rather than spend today sad, angry or frustrated I will try to focus my mother energy on hope. I have already prayed today and asked God to protect them. I have often told my friends that I believe that if you do not turn to God during the parenting years, you will never find him because I often at times like this understand that despite my best efforts I am powerless and it will take a force beyond my capabilities to ensure that things turn out right. I thank God that I take consolation in my Catholic faith. I can look to Mary, St Monica, St Elizabeth and St Rita to name of a few who watched with turmoil their children's suffering and felt no doubt to an even greater degree some of what I feel when I am worried about my children. I believe that God can and does work miracles and I hope that when all is said and done perhaps I will feel that I have not failed completely and more important than my own self esteem that my kids will turn out OK.
I also want this post to be about how much I do love each of my children. Will, I know you are caught in a difficult place right now. You want to be independent of us yet you do not have the resources or a clear idea of where you are going in life. I am praying for you. I love you and I want the best for you. We have done what we know how to do but it is up to you at this point. We can only do so much. I hope that God will put people in your life who can reach you and that your eyes will be opened to a brighter and more promising future. Emily, I believe that you are a strong and beautiful young lady. I think that the future holds much for you. I hope that you will find the strength and determination to focus on your goals and the day to day wisdom to make the choices that will lead you to a bright and promising future. I am thankful that you have learned from past mistakes and especially that we have learned to love and value each other and I hope sincerely that this never changes. Katie I believe that you too are a beautiful person and that you are capable of having many wonderful things in your life. I hope that you know that it is because I love you that I continue to stand firm on certain things and values. I do not want to see you sidetracked by those who do not have your best interest at heart. I also believe that you can learn from mistakes you have made and resolve to make better choices not just because it is what I want but because it is what will ultimately be what is best for you in the long run. I hope that you will know most of all that I love you.
So in closing to each of you and to all the mothers out there I remember the song of the mother from the Robert Munsch book: "I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always as long as I'm living my baby you'll be."
