It is hard to keep a positive perspective when you feel lousy. When it is an effort to just take a shower, dry your hair and get dressed without sitting down you're not doing too good. I'm not saying this to emphasize poor me but to just say that we .... me including take so much in our lives for granted. Having Cancer on a good day is an invitation for me to put life into perspective. I've thought a lot these past weeks about what really matters to me in this life kind of like I did when I lost my mother and also like I did when I first became a parent. I've firmly resolved to make each day count, make sure that God is first in my life, to try to be more thankful for every person God has put in my path and to stop wasting time doing things that don't matter. Great resolutions however when you feel so crummy you feel like all you are doing is wasting time.
Cancer diagnosis and treatment has been to date an emotional roller coaster. First, from discovery of a breast lump and the stark realization that this could be malignant and that you could indeed die from this thing growing inside you. It is quite a paradox initially to feel fine and reasonably healthy enough but then with a few diagnostic tests you are whisked into a whole new dimension. You go from seeing a doctor perhaps 3 times in a given year to having as many as 3 or 5 days of doctors appointments and procedures in one week. You go from believing that you have choices and everything reasonably under control to experiencing panic and anxiety which you are unable to control.
When I first confronted the possibility of this diagnosis, I went straight to my Faith in God. Firstly, I do believe that my life is a gift from Almighty God. I believe that he sent his son, Jesus, into the world to show us how to live, love, serve and suffer and I want my life to echo that in how I live. Also, you cannot hear the word cancer and not think of death and dying. Cancer kills people and when you confront the possibility that you have cancer it is impossible not to think that having cancer could mean that this is how you will die and also to go to the worst possible scenario that it could be coming sooner that you expect. If you have complete trust in God, you are willing to accept that God is the one who determines when and how you will die. At 48, I'm still considered young but I have to say that I feel I have had my full share of blessings in this life. I've had a wonderful and loving husband, 3 healthy and beautiful children who although they have challenged me I feel and am assured of their love for me and have shared much joy with them and through them. I have had many wonderful friends, I have traveled many places and have had more than my share of material blessings in this life. So as a believer my response was Lord I am ready to go if that is your will for me.
I did my best to stay in that frame of mind right up to the day of my biopsy about 2 weeks later. That was when I truly started to lose it and spiral out of control. My blood pressure spiked up so high I was afraid I was going to have a stroke and panic set in. I like to have a plan always what I am doing week to week and where I am going for my next vacation. I do not like or welcome many of the trials that come in life such as the challenges that come from raising teens and certainly not this latest trial which is a real life changer. I want to feel as though life is predictable and controllable. In retrospect, I can always look back and see that real growth happens from life's challenges and from a faith perspective I can say I can see how God worked in everything but in the midst of trials complete faith and trust often feels elusive. Yet in this case, control is what is an illusion. I could do nothing about this condition. I've had to turn to doctors to help plan and determine the course for ridding my body of this disease. I've had to wait impatiently for my turn at an appointment and for all the tests, and diagnoses to reveal when and how I can be treated and learn to trust and hope for a complete cure which appears to be pretty likely. My plans for this year such as work and vacations are on hold and are rather insignificant because I must focus all my energy and time into healing. I am learning firsthand about living the mantra of the alcoholic and how to live one day at a time.
It is remarkable to me that I am traveling this road at the same time of year as when I said goodbye to my mother 23 years ago in the days and weeks leading up to Easter Sunday. My Cancer diagnosis came just before the start of Lent this year which is the season that Catholics and many other Christian denominations spend focused on self denial and sorrow for sins in preparation for Easter which is the birth of the Christian church and the celebration of Jesus' live giving victory over death. It is a time for moving from great sorrow to great and utter joy. Likewise, my mother passed away on Holy Thursday, the day celebrated in remembrance of Jesus' last supper. It was my memories of Easter and many Easter's celebrating with her that helped me put into perspective that her death even though I was unprepared for it and it seemed too soon was truly an occasion to be celebrated with faith, hope and ultimately joy for her as a believer in God.
Journeying through my current struggle there have been many high and low moments. During both, I have experienced God working in me and through others to keep me moving forward and for this I have been and trust that I will continue to be blessed. I have experienced the love of my friends and family as they have listened, reached out, sent cards, cooked meals and planned celebrations and provided me with powerful affirmations that have allowed me to experience how much love and support God has graced me with in this life. This is truly how God reaches to us through the hands and feet of others to keep us going through the tough times and to further resolve that when you have ultimately journeyed through your own struggle how you too can use your time to give back to others. I have also experienced the individual struggles like those that come in the middle of the night when fear and terror grab ahold of you and you feel very alone yet that is when your Faith compels you to reach to God who promises to be with you always. I have learned to keep my rosary on my bedside table where I can remind myself of how God loves us and how his own Son suffered just for love of us. It helps me to put my trust in God and gives me peace to know that he will never abandon me. I know that this trial is ultimately, my opportunity to grow in Faith by putting my complete trust in God as he leads me through the storm and into a new and better life. There are days when certain Bible verses come into and resound in my heart and songs about faith in God that I hear and sing to my soul everyday. Days like today when I feel physically pretty good are opportunities for me to praise God and see how he ultimately delivers me.
I began writing this post on the day after the announcement of our new pope, Pope Francis I. That particular day started for me amid lots of physical struggle. Chemotherapy had me feeling terrible. My white blood cell count was so low I could not leave the house. Everything, I ate tasted awful, my stomach was irritiated, and I had no energy for anything. An email from a friend both reminded me that the papal conclave was going on and alerted me to turn on my TV as news of the announcement of the new pope was forthcoming. Seeing the images of the Vatican brought back fond memories the trip that I had taken to Rome last year with my husband and two very good friends. It was truly the trip of a lifetime one that started with a simple wish and snowballed into almost 2 weeks of awesomeness spent experiencing Italy and places at the very heart of the Catholic faith. It was both an opportunity for gratitude of blessings past and an opportunity to look forward with joy to the future. As the world greeted a simple and humble man and prayed, I personally felt the most joy I had felt in days and perspective returned to my soul. That evening in Rome as the rain came down and the world celebrated with Faith and Hope its new leader, I also recalled a beautiful and sunny day walking through the Vatican Garden and so many other images of God that bombard the senses of a visitor to Rome who is open to and in search of the truly remarkable presence of God in our lives both in our joys and also in our struggles and sorrows.
I know that there is still much ahead on this journey. My hope is that I will not loose sight and hold tight to the Faith which I know can and will sustain me. Tomorrow is round 2 of chemotherapy. I feel better prepared for what to expect this time and I will be sure to look to God to bring me through this!
