Thoughts on Trusting God through Trial

Faith in God requires trust.  It is easy to feel affirmed and trusting when surrounded by good things in life but when the trials come where does this leave us?  We are so dependent on affirmations and when we experience those trying times we often struggle to accept and understand that God is indeed present in the good and in the bad working in our lives and the lives of others. Often our peace suffers because of  the actions of another something completely beyond our control. This peace is dependent on externals and   is easily destroyed.  It is only through better knowledge of God surrender and childlike  trust in his guidance both in our own lives and those of others that true serenity is possible.

Our love for others can be one of the greatest sources for pure joy. Case in point the love that as a parent you discover for your precious newborn or young child. Love however to be healthy often requires boundaries that can mean that we have to pull back even from someone we love deeply like a partner or a child. We cannot control others or their choices even from very early on and we must instead endeavor to focus on our own power of choice and mindset. Loving as a Christian may prompt us to do too much at times but genuine love requires a balance between our own needs and the needs of another.

It is at this point that we can grow by turning to God although  we cannot understand with our limited knowledge his all his ways.   When we allow God to inspire our actions and direct our paths or actions toward others we can further God's purpose in our world.  Lord, guide my journey this day and always.  Help me to trust you to handle what I cannot.  I so want the peace that you promise but I cannot find it in the circumstances of this life.  I can only find it through knowledge of you and through allowing and trusting you to direct my ways and those whom I love.  I must allow and trust  you to take control of my life. In doing so may I become pleasing to you and a light for others to come to see and know you.

Blogging, Praying and Trusting

This weekend I spent a rainy Saturday with a group of other Catholics at a formation for an upcoming weekend in late October called Cursillo. For those who have never heard the term "Cursillo," a brief explanation.  It is a long weekend for Catholics to spend time encountering Christ put on by past Cursillo attendees and religious from the Church.  It can be a powerful and transforming experience which for many can revolutionize their lives and facilitate a richer and deeper faith life. But that is not the purpose of today's entry...it is an introduction or reintroduction to my blog...yes I DO Blog. My time this weekend reminded me that God has gifted us each with unique talents that we are to use for him.  One of mine is writing or so I think. I have a busy brain with many thoughts running through it during the day sometimes I believe God has something he wants me to use this talent to "impart" but at the very least my thoughts if I write them down become a legacy for those close to me to discover what's on my mind.  Ultimately as I am constantly reminded who I am and what I do in this life is a gift from God and if I want to become his instrument then I must heed the promptings of the Spirit by writing down and sharing my thoughts.... 

So today as I actually seek to follow through with this prompting of the Spirit I felt called to review many of my half finished entries for one that seemed to convey some wisdom that perhaps I have learned, need to learn and can share.  My eye landed upon an unfinished entry about worrying less and praying more.  I am a worrier.  My worries frequently distract me from my responsibilities and good intentions.  I am the product of two parents who though they were faith filled individuals also worried too much.  Letting go of my worries today has been something I am reflecting upon. It is so easy to become bogged down by a multitude of details and to allow things like to dos or what ifs  to consume me.  For me this takes two forms.  First, I become over focused on someone whom I am worried or concerned about. When I feel as though something is wrong with someone I love or someone I love treats me poorly, I can easily become discouraged. Too often this becomes the point in my day where all my productivity is halted and  the whole day goes downhill.  The other major roadblock I encounter can be when I allow a concern or worry to consume my thoughts.  A great example this year would be my fears surrounding my Cancer diagnosis.  Things like how bad is it, what treatments do I need and now that I am through many treatments what if it comes back?

Some people claim that cancer is a gift but that ideal is angrily rejected by many. OK so maybe not a gift but definitely a turning point that causes the person diagnosed and those close to that person to reexamine and reevaluate their lives.  One theme that keeps coming up for me is that I need to turn my worries about others and about my own future over to God.  How do I do this?  Duh, I claim to be a person of faith and yet all too often I rely on my own understanding or better put my lack of understanding to solve problems that come my way.  Why don't I focus   my energy in another direction?  Why don't I consistently turn these obstacles  over to God in prayer and ask  for his help and direction? 

Too often I dwell on troubles and challenges instead of pushing them from my mind. Continuing to ruminate on the bad drains my energy and for the most part changes little. Here's an example, I argue with my daughter some mornings about any number of things that parents may argue with teenagers about and then worry about her after as she drives to school. I may allow this unpleasant experience to continue to influence my day or I may struggle with worry over her safety. What if instead, I made a conscious choice to let go of this experience and to ask God to bless her and guide her throughout the day ahead. For myself, I can examine my actions briefly and ask God for his pardon for my failures during that exchange and also for his direction for my actions and thoughts in the rest of my day and in future instances where my daughter and I may disagree. At this point, I can make a decision to let go of what is past and to look ahead to the future confident that God is close at hand to direct my path.

How many times have I sought to live out this wisdom?  I wrote the above paragraph almost 3 years ago and today I am still struggling to understand the limits of my power and the need to pray more, worry less and trust God to work both in my own life and in the lives of my children and in other of life's circumstances. Does this mean it is hopeless?  Certainly not!  I can take a quick tour in my mind of the past and see clearly that God has and is always working in my life and that my worrying has only served as a source for my own anxiety. Fortunately for me and for others too, I have learned that our God is a patient teacher and a loving parent who constantly teaches us and often teaches us over and over again the necessity of turning our problems over to him and trusting in his ability to deliver us each day. So remember today and keep reminding me as well to Worry less and Pray more! And for my fellow Cursillistas...de Colores!

Lessons from Cancer

I will always remember the words of the radiologist who did the biopsy that would confirm my breast cancer.  She told me, "You are going to have a hard year but you are going to be fine."  It was just the words of calm that I needed at the time as my blood pressure spiked and my anxiety seemed completely uncontrollable. Also from this doctor and others take things one day at a time.  It's been almost 6 months since then and the probability of my complete healing is beginning to seem like a reality.

From March through June, I underwent 6 chemotherapy treatments every three weeks.  The physical toll it takes on you is substantial.  I went from playing tennis which I was really enjoying three or four times per week to not being able to play at all.  Climbing stairs was an effort.  I lost my hair, my skin was broken out in a red rash, and my fingernails and toenails began to yellow, ridge and become brittle.  I wish I could say I lost weight but that will have to come once I am truly more healthy again.  For most of the summer, I was unable to do the work I love teaching little ones to swim.  I had to plan mini vacations with my family around my treatments.  I can look back thinking about all those things I lost but instead I will chose to focus on what I have learned and gained.

First and foremost, my faith is stronger than ever.  A Christian looks to Jesus for healing as the bible is filled with stories of his compassion for the sick and how his touch healed many.  At the outset of this journey, I received the sacrament of the Anointing of the Sick which is administered to Catholics.  The priest anointed my head  and hands with oil while a group from our church prayed for my healing.  It was a powerful reminder of my own reliance on God for healing and also an affirmation of the love and prayers from my church community which gave me hope and strength. I was determined to rely on my faith for strength from the outset.  Whatever happened I wanted to accept God's will in allowing me to suffer from this illness and ultimately to accept whatever would come as a result of this illness.

Thankfully God sends angels into our lives not always winged supernatural creatures but often extraordinary individuals whose strength and guidance seems heaven sent.  This blog would go on forever if I listed each individual who reached out and helped to pull me along in this journey but one extraordinary person appeared just when I needed her most.  Bec is a fellow cancer warrior and survivor.  A year ago when I thought cancer was not something relevant to my life I watched Bec, a member of my church, go through surgery and chemotherapy and prayed for her healing and marveled at her strength.  Although our paths had crossed in church, it was not until the start of my own illness that I came to truly better know and appreciate Bec and her strength of faith and conviction.
 In January when I first became aware of my possible illness and diagnosis, I began to frequent daily mass.  Bec and her husband Ed were there everyday with hugs support and prayers and most importantly the wisdom to trust in God and not to be afraid.  They both became mine and my husband's mentors for how to face the unknown prospects that come with a serious illness and how to allow God to move you closer to him through trial.  I've learned that surviving cancer for whatever time is an opportunity to pay it forward and to give thanks for your health and those who have blessed you by redoubling your efforts to serve God and reach out to others.

In addition to what I've learned spiritually as a result of this disease I've also come to understand this disease and its affect on individuals who fight to survive and receive treatment.  I confess to being completely ignorant about Cancer for the most part until my own diagnosis.  A couple of years ago I had begun following a young girl from the Orlando Florida area named Talia Castellano who was fighting neuroblastoma.  I read her updates on my Facebook and was drawn to her spunky warrior attitude.  Last Fall, I watched her on the Ellen Show.  Talia though just 13 was an aspiring makeup artist who became a You Tube sensation.  She rejected wearing wigs despite her hair loss and instead chose to use make up as a focus to accentuate her beautiful features.  This young lady was however more than a fashion obsessed teen.  In her interview with Ellen, she was asked how despite her diagnosis she stayed so positive.  Her reply, "What am I supposed to do be depressed?  A little fishy once told me...just keep swimming."  This line was in reference to the character Dory from Finding Nemo whose voice came from Ellen DeGeneres and whose motto to just keep swimming is a great mantra for anyone going through any struggle especially Cancer.  It is is a fun way to remember to take things one day at a time and keep going and appreciate what each day brings you.  A few other lessons from Talia.  First, childhood cancer is robbing too many children of their lives and far too little resources are being directed toward finding a cure.  Most everyone with cancer wants to live no matter their age. I know 48 seemed too early for me to leave this life and my husband and kids but I can at least say that I've had my fair share of life marriage, children, travel and many other experiences.  These kids who succumb to childhood cancer are robbed of far too much in life.

Watch this video to understand how cancer is affecting children and what you can do.  Sadly Talia became one of the children lost to this horrible disease on July 16, 2013. Shortly before her death, she chose to encourage donations to a local Children's Cancer Charity in Orlando.  Her fundraising to date has raised over $125,000.  It is a reminder that our lives do not have to be defined by length of days but by what we do during the time that God gives us.

Another group of cancer warriors that commanded my attention were those suffering from metastatic breast cancer.  Again prior to my diagnosis, I knew precious little about breast cancer beyond what we hear a lot of especially during October when we see pink everywhere and discuss the importance of mammograms and early detection.  Once diagnosed with breast cancer the foremost question on your mind is have I caught this early enough has this spread?  In my own case, all the signs were encouraging.  I had regular mammograms and no concern had appeared in my previous mammogram just 10 months earlier.  I had my initial MRI and ultrasound that suggested that my lymph nodes were not involved but until my sentinel node biopsy and follow up pathology report last week my mind was not at ease.  Many women are surviving breast cancer but those who are dying are those whose cancer metastasizes.  Far too much is not understood about how this occurs and how to effectively treat it. I am currently following a number of women on Facebook and on other blogs who must fight daily against metastatic breast cancer.  For them, there is no complete cure.  they continue to require chemotherapy and other treatment not with the goal of a cure but with the goal of prolonging their lives and hopefully living with minimal symptoms. These are women of all ages as women can be diagnosed with breast cancer even as young as 21 and far too often these women have very aggressive cancers and a poor prognosis. Just ask Bridget Spence a 29 year old who died this past April after fighting this disease for 8 years having discovered it just shortly after her college graduation.  You can read her blog My Big Girl Pants to catch glimpses of the toll this disease takes on someone with this diagnosis  http://mybiggirlpants.blogspot.com/  Another very informative website is http://www.metavivor.org/Awareness.html  This explains more about metastatic breast cancer and also discusses what is a public misperception that all breast cancer is curable.  There is still more that needs to be done to win this fight.

Truly Cancer has changed my life.  Right now I feel incredibly blessed.  I have a good prognosis following a successful lumpectomy and a negative sentinel node biopsy.  I still will need to undergo radiation and most likely take something like tamoxifen for the best long term prognosis but the future health wise looks promising.  I cannot forget the lessons I have learned during these past 6 months or so.  First and foremost would be the value of each day of my life and to take a hard look at how I am spending it.  Second would be the need to open my eyes to the suffering of others and to make the most of opportunities to have compassion and understanding for the many in this world who suffer in some way. Finally, I am learning more so than ever the value of prayer.  Prayer is about accepting and learning from what challenges you are faced with.  It is about accepting that you don't have all of the answers in life and that often the most you can do is pray especially for those things that you cannot control and to seek to accept with serenity those people and circumstances that you cannot change.  Trust that God alone can do what we can't and seek to understand his will in your own life.