Freedom from Attachments

Journeying on the Retreat for for the real world which I have been following over the past month has produced some unexpected and surprising insights. Some of these lead me to feel a great closeness to God but this weeks has taken me in two totally different directions. Earlier this week, I began the retreat with the intention of focusing on those people who for me were models of Spirituality and Faith. This was a positive experience as I pondered those whose faith, trust and actions were an inspiration. I was prepared to focus only on this aspect.

The other aspect which the retreat guide asked me to pay attention to was the attachment to the things of this world including riches and honor. This produces some discomfort as I consider those areas of my life where I am attached to the desire for success and opportunity. The words of St Ignatius founder of the Jesuits are a very powerful tool for examination. He says, " We should use God’s gifts of creation however they help us in achieving the end for which we were created, and we ought to rid ourselves of whatever gets in the way of our purpose. " It was easy for me to look around and see that in our consumerist society we surround ourselves with many things beyond that which we need. I know I have at least by my actions attached great value to having many of the things of this world: a nice house, an abundance of clothing and travel opportunities. OK so I can see that I should try to get by with a little more simplicity. With the kids growing up, a smaller house will be an easier switch at some point...less to clean! I should clean out my closet and although with every trip through the stores especially at Christmas I will see things that I want but don't necessarily need like another coat or jacket, I can just say, "NO."

The bigger struggle is giving up on two other "attachments." First, to travel. This is a big part of what I like to do and in many ways I can reconcile this attachment. It allows me to spend time with my family. We are coming up in a week on a planned Thanksgiving trip to Gatlinburg a place that we have journeyed many times before and shared many happy times. I also like to combine my travels with "faith" excursions as in Germany last Summer when we visited a number of beautiful churches and even a monastery. So I will make my choices along these lines with more simplicity in mind and less luxury...hopefully that works???

My biggest struggle is the one that involves recognition and success. This was the one that hit home this week. I have always been competitive by nature. I can remember the desire to win back when I was showing horses as a child. Today, one need only sit near me while watching the Florida Gators play football to see how much I love to win. The other one was for recognition and affirmation. This longing I must say has been a persistent attachment. I can remember how I felt when I graduated law school and received much praise from my parents especially my dad. More recently, through my work within my career as a swim instructor, I have reveled in the praise of parents, other colleagues and people within our organization who affirm me as someone capable and talented. This week, I found myself feeling very flattered when the priest at our parish complemented me on my work starting up a new ministry. I am very attached to this recognition because it makes me feel valuable and better about myself. I guess it is important for me to work to receive this with a sense of humility and recognition that all is accomplished through God and his grace.

So what does the picture of Katie and cheering have to do with this post. Well, this week I became extremely angry and frustrated over some circumstances at the cheer gym. Katie has been cheering since she was 8 and has a lot of natural talent. I see so much potential in her as far as her ability to go on and possibly even cheer in college. She has been working harder this year to improve her skills and we have been hopeful that she will get an opportunity to be placed on a higher level team. When it appeared that she might not get this opportunity, I became extremely angry, feeling my blood boil and saying and acting like far less than the Christian that I claim to be....I am still struggling with my response and feelings in regard to what I feel my child deserves or should achieve. This has opened the door to other circumstances related to my other children especially those involving what my "expectations" are for them. I see how in many ways that I place far too much value and have too great of an attachment to seeing my child achieve because it somehow for me affirms myself as a parent. I want to be a good parent. I want to believe that I have taught my children right from wrong and made it possible for them to succeed....Is this wrong? Perhaps, it is good on a certain level because it is evidence of my love for them but at some point when it becomes about me and what they should accomplish because of what I have given them, it becomes more about my being too self centered. And when it leads me to lash out and to depart from those Christian values that I claim to embrace, it is definitely time to examine my attachments and priorities.

In closing, I add a short prayer which I have taken from the Creighton University Online Retreat for week 4,

"Please, God, help me live my life in a way that draws me closer to you. Help me give up anything that doesn’t do that. Thank you so much for your love and your care for me. Thank you for creating me and desiring me to be in harmony with you."