Recently, I began an online retreat through a Jesuit website. In my life I have begun a number of these different spiritual quests but as with much in my life procrastination is my downfall. Lately, I find myself seeking a deeper spirituality in my life. I yearn for a state where I will feel OK despite all the chaos that seems to be a constant factor in my life.
My inclination is to turn to books and reading as a source of deepening my spirituality. At times, I find something that really speaks to me and inspires me. Other times, what I read adds little to my growth. I yearn for quiet time but then fill this time with meaningless activities. I struggle to pray without a book or activity to guide me. So how do I open myself up to experience this closer connection to God and this connection that all I read tells me that he desires to have with me?
Yesterday, I landed upon an online retreat. For the past few days, I've been reading about Jesuit spirituality and how to live my active life in the presence of God and to become more attune to God's workings in my daily life. This week in our Ministry of Mother's sharing group we discussed feelings and how all of these are a gift from God and produce an energy from within that allows you to choose to act or not. I often marvel at how when things seem to be working there seems to be many little coincidences that point and prompt you along your path. Focusing on feelings is also what is called for in this newly discovered online retreat. I am encouraged to view snapshots of my life during the first week and to recognize that the feelings associated with these images tell the story of who I am. It is an exercise that I enjoy as I look at pictures of me as a child and think of my Mom, Dad, and Grandma, all the people who were so important in the early days of my life people who are gone now and whom I miss so very much.
I'm asked to consider these images in terms of God's fidelity and presence in my life and to approach with gratitude these images whether good or bad. I'm so very thankful that I have never doubted God's existence. I know this is a true grace as I now realize that even some of the greatest and faithful people ever have had moments of doubt. Many of my earliest memories revolve around church preschool, singing in the choir (my photo for this blog) and holidays of which church services were always an important part. I was blessed to be born into a family of believers, a Catholic father and a Methodist mother, who despite their fundamental differences regarding religion and my religious upbringing were able to pass a basic faith in God onto me.
When I reflect on the gift of Faith in my life, I feel an overwhelming sense of gratitude. Perhaps this will be a good place to end this reflection thinking about what an awesome gift this has been in my life. It is a good place to focus my energy today and in the days ahead...thank you God for loving me always and for today reminding me that even when I failed to turn to you at many points in my life that ultimately I have been so very blessed to always know that you were there. Lord, I know you will always be there...please help me stay committed to this journey of faith and discovery so that I may better know and love you.
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