Claiming Today

I'm claiming today as my one year anniversary of cancer or cancerversary as it is also called.  What does that mean and why is today important to me?  Ideas around this date and what day it falls on have to do with different things but from what I have been told and to me it has to do with the day you were diagnosed and every year beyond that is the time you mark.  February 5th was the date of my biopsy one year ago. It was 2 days later that I received my official diagnosis from the breast surgeon.

It is a day today to say hooray I survived!... not the disease but the fear and the ordeal.  This day last year I remember sitting in the waiting area of the Breast Center in Macon just wanting answers was it cancer or wasn't it?  Would the doctor do a biopsy today or would I have to wait again for another appointment. I was that day and throughout the year surrounded by those who loved me my family, my daughter and husband, and a trusted friend and fellow breast cancer survivor, Wendy. That day I waited as I would wait every time that I saw this doctor, not complaining as there is no punctuality when your appointments revolve around individuals being told that yes, you have cancer. When it was finally my turn and I was examined the doctor told me that yes, today was biopsy day which would confirm what I knew in my heart that I had breast cancer.

Getting the biopsy was quite an ordeal not the actual procedure part as that was really not a big deal for someone who is not really that squeamish about doctors and medical procedures.  The ordeal was that a routine blood pressure check prior to the biopsy showed that my blood pressure was through the roof 200/110! My memory immediately went to the readings that my mother had days before her death from a cerebral hemorrhage.  My thought was to heck with cancer I'm going to have a stroke like she did! The nurse did probably half a dozen readings with multiple machines and although that was the high point, it did not ever reveal a normal reading.  Now, I had to worry about whether they would allow me to have the biopsy at all which was even more stressful thinking about not having answers.  I had waited long enough!  Fortunately, the doctors did agree that the procedure could be done.

I remember waiting  for the procedure clutching my rosary and trying to relax and trust that God was right there with me which I believed but I could not will my blood pressure down.  February 5th interestingly and providentially enough is also the feast day for St Agatha, an early church martyr who is considered to be the patron saint for breast cancer. My belief in God has never wavered throughout any of this or before any of this but coming to a place of true trust and peace has not been an easy journey.  I knew what I believed that I was willing to accept whatever God willed but my stomach was doing flips.  Why couldn't I be less afraid?

What I remember most about the procedure was the radiologist doing the procedure.  She must have seen the fear in my eyes and she was so reassuring.  She told me, "You are going to have a hard year, but you are going to be just fine."  My fears I truly believe were based on the extent of the cancer.  Had it spread to my lymph nodes?  How had this lump, almost 3 centimeters grown unnoticed by me or had it been missed by last year's mammogram?  The imagination is not always a good thing. Anyway the procedure did get done and I went home to unwind with a glass of wine and waited for the results which would come two days later with a positive diagnosis.

True to the words of that doctor, I did have a hard year but in other ways I had an incredibly blessed year too.  I cannot say that cancer is a blessing but it can be a transformation point if you are open to the "opportunity" of reexamining your life that cancer presents.  So much in life each one of us takes for granted often basic things such as health or the ability to enjoy eating a meal or even being able to do simple errands like the dreaded weekly grocery trip.  Once you start to feel better and the fear is gone and you are on the road to being finished with treatment you value the simple opportunities that before you took for granted.

I also count this past year as an incredible learning experience.  I learned so much about this disease and I came face to face with others fighting their own cancer battles and saw and came to understand the suffering that this disease causes for both the patient and the family.  I was blessed to have wonderful doctors and medical care.  Yet at some point the more you learn about the disease the more you come to realize that although there are many successes and much progress in the fight against cancer there are still people of all ages dying of this disease.  For some their disease progresses too far before detection but for many others this is not the case.  Recurrence is a very real possibility with any cancer and once diagnosed there is a cloud that hangs over you forever.  It is not just a matter of fighting a single battle and forgetting as there are no guarantees as to what the future holds.

With this knowledge, I found myself wondering again about how likely it was for me to be cancer free forever.  It was almost easier to think that it would come back at some point.  I am a worrier.  I want to think that I am in control and I hate uncertainty so where does this leave me?  I have felt myself moving beyond this negativity but it has only come through a realization that my life is not completely my own.  I believe that God created me and I am learning the meaning of placing my trust in God.  I will be here as long as he wills.  I can worry about it or I can move forward each day being open to the opportunities and challenges that come my way. So today I find that I am feeling well and at peace.  I am joyful for my own good fortune but I hurt for others whom I  know are still in the midst of struggle from this disease.  I am no longer feeling worried for myself and I pray that I will continue to have this peace even in the event that my health circumstances change.

Sky is clearing 

So I'm claiming today and celebrating this point in my journey of life.  This morning the sun cleared after a few wet and rainy days and the clouds parted and the sun came out.  I found this to be a very fitting setting for what today means to me.  Life is a cycle that like the weather we do not have complete control over.  Mostly, I am learning that the value of my life comes by my turning to God and trying to follow his will for my life.  There is a strange freedom in understanding that your life is not completely your own.  I don't wish to relive the past year but I do believe that it has taught me to count my blessings and to live with more purpose and gratitude and for that I am incredibly thankful.