Claiming Today

I'm claiming today as my one year anniversary of cancer or cancerversary as it is also called.  What does that mean and why is today important to me?  Ideas around this date and what day it falls on have to do with different things but from what I have been told and to me it has to do with the day you were diagnosed and every year beyond that is the time you mark.  February 5th was the date of my biopsy one year ago. It was 2 days later that I received my official diagnosis from the breast surgeon.

It is a day today to say hooray I survived!... not the disease but the fear and the ordeal.  This day last year I remember sitting in the waiting area of the Breast Center in Macon just wanting answers was it cancer or wasn't it?  Would the doctor do a biopsy today or would I have to wait again for another appointment. I was that day and throughout the year surrounded by those who loved me my family, my daughter and husband, and a trusted friend and fellow breast cancer survivor, Wendy. That day I waited as I would wait every time that I saw this doctor, not complaining as there is no punctuality when your appointments revolve around individuals being told that yes, you have cancer. When it was finally my turn and I was examined the doctor told me that yes, today was biopsy day which would confirm what I knew in my heart that I had breast cancer.

Getting the biopsy was quite an ordeal not the actual procedure part as that was really not a big deal for someone who is not really that squeamish about doctors and medical procedures.  The ordeal was that a routine blood pressure check prior to the biopsy showed that my blood pressure was through the roof 200/110! My memory immediately went to the readings that my mother had days before her death from a cerebral hemorrhage.  My thought was to heck with cancer I'm going to have a stroke like she did! The nurse did probably half a dozen readings with multiple machines and although that was the high point, it did not ever reveal a normal reading.  Now, I had to worry about whether they would allow me to have the biopsy at all which was even more stressful thinking about not having answers.  I had waited long enough!  Fortunately, the doctors did agree that the procedure could be done.

I remember waiting  for the procedure clutching my rosary and trying to relax and trust that God was right there with me which I believed but I could not will my blood pressure down.  February 5th interestingly and providentially enough is also the feast day for St Agatha, an early church martyr who is considered to be the patron saint for breast cancer. My belief in God has never wavered throughout any of this or before any of this but coming to a place of true trust and peace has not been an easy journey.  I knew what I believed that I was willing to accept whatever God willed but my stomach was doing flips.  Why couldn't I be less afraid?

What I remember most about the procedure was the radiologist doing the procedure.  She must have seen the fear in my eyes and she was so reassuring.  She told me, "You are going to have a hard year, but you are going to be just fine."  My fears I truly believe were based on the extent of the cancer.  Had it spread to my lymph nodes?  How had this lump, almost 3 centimeters grown unnoticed by me or had it been missed by last year's mammogram?  The imagination is not always a good thing. Anyway the procedure did get done and I went home to unwind with a glass of wine and waited for the results which would come two days later with a positive diagnosis.

True to the words of that doctor, I did have a hard year but in other ways I had an incredibly blessed year too.  I cannot say that cancer is a blessing but it can be a transformation point if you are open to the "opportunity" of reexamining your life that cancer presents.  So much in life each one of us takes for granted often basic things such as health or the ability to enjoy eating a meal or even being able to do simple errands like the dreaded weekly grocery trip.  Once you start to feel better and the fear is gone and you are on the road to being finished with treatment you value the simple opportunities that before you took for granted.

I also count this past year as an incredible learning experience.  I learned so much about this disease and I came face to face with others fighting their own cancer battles and saw and came to understand the suffering that this disease causes for both the patient and the family.  I was blessed to have wonderful doctors and medical care.  Yet at some point the more you learn about the disease the more you come to realize that although there are many successes and much progress in the fight against cancer there are still people of all ages dying of this disease.  For some their disease progresses too far before detection but for many others this is not the case.  Recurrence is a very real possibility with any cancer and once diagnosed there is a cloud that hangs over you forever.  It is not just a matter of fighting a single battle and forgetting as there are no guarantees as to what the future holds.

With this knowledge, I found myself wondering again about how likely it was for me to be cancer free forever.  It was almost easier to think that it would come back at some point.  I am a worrier.  I want to think that I am in control and I hate uncertainty so where does this leave me?  I have felt myself moving beyond this negativity but it has only come through a realization that my life is not completely my own.  I believe that God created me and I am learning the meaning of placing my trust in God.  I will be here as long as he wills.  I can worry about it or I can move forward each day being open to the opportunities and challenges that come my way. So today I find that I am feeling well and at peace.  I am joyful for my own good fortune but I hurt for others whom I  know are still in the midst of struggle from this disease.  I am no longer feeling worried for myself and I pray that I will continue to have this peace even in the event that my health circumstances change.

Sky is clearing 

So I'm claiming today and celebrating this point in my journey of life.  This morning the sun cleared after a few wet and rainy days and the clouds parted and the sun came out.  I found this to be a very fitting setting for what today means to me.  Life is a cycle that like the weather we do not have complete control over.  Mostly, I am learning that the value of my life comes by my turning to God and trying to follow his will for my life.  There is a strange freedom in understanding that your life is not completely your own.  I don't wish to relive the past year but I do believe that it has taught me to count my blessings and to live with more purpose and gratitude and for that I am incredibly thankful.

Lessons from Cancer

I will always remember the words of the radiologist who did the biopsy that would confirm my breast cancer.  She told me, "You are going to have a hard year but you are going to be fine."  It was just the words of calm that I needed at the time as my blood pressure spiked and my anxiety seemed completely uncontrollable. Also from this doctor and others take things one day at a time.  It's been almost 6 months since then and the probability of my complete healing is beginning to seem like a reality.

From March through June, I underwent 6 chemotherapy treatments every three weeks.  The physical toll it takes on you is substantial.  I went from playing tennis which I was really enjoying three or four times per week to not being able to play at all.  Climbing stairs was an effort.  I lost my hair, my skin was broken out in a red rash, and my fingernails and toenails began to yellow, ridge and become brittle.  I wish I could say I lost weight but that will have to come once I am truly more healthy again.  For most of the summer, I was unable to do the work I love teaching little ones to swim.  I had to plan mini vacations with my family around my treatments.  I can look back thinking about all those things I lost but instead I will chose to focus on what I have learned and gained.

First and foremost, my faith is stronger than ever.  A Christian looks to Jesus for healing as the bible is filled with stories of his compassion for the sick and how his touch healed many.  At the outset of this journey, I received the sacrament of the Anointing of the Sick which is administered to Catholics.  The priest anointed my head  and hands with oil while a group from our church prayed for my healing.  It was a powerful reminder of my own reliance on God for healing and also an affirmation of the love and prayers from my church community which gave me hope and strength. I was determined to rely on my faith for strength from the outset.  Whatever happened I wanted to accept God's will in allowing me to suffer from this illness and ultimately to accept whatever would come as a result of this illness.

Thankfully God sends angels into our lives not always winged supernatural creatures but often extraordinary individuals whose strength and guidance seems heaven sent.  This blog would go on forever if I listed each individual who reached out and helped to pull me along in this journey but one extraordinary person appeared just when I needed her most.  Bec is a fellow cancer warrior and survivor.  A year ago when I thought cancer was not something relevant to my life I watched Bec, a member of my church, go through surgery and chemotherapy and prayed for her healing and marveled at her strength.  Although our paths had crossed in church, it was not until the start of my own illness that I came to truly better know and appreciate Bec and her strength of faith and conviction.
 In January when I first became aware of my possible illness and diagnosis, I began to frequent daily mass.  Bec and her husband Ed were there everyday with hugs support and prayers and most importantly the wisdom to trust in God and not to be afraid.  They both became mine and my husband's mentors for how to face the unknown prospects that come with a serious illness and how to allow God to move you closer to him through trial.  I've learned that surviving cancer for whatever time is an opportunity to pay it forward and to give thanks for your health and those who have blessed you by redoubling your efforts to serve God and reach out to others.

In addition to what I've learned spiritually as a result of this disease I've also come to understand this disease and its affect on individuals who fight to survive and receive treatment.  I confess to being completely ignorant about Cancer for the most part until my own diagnosis.  A couple of years ago I had begun following a young girl from the Orlando Florida area named Talia Castellano who was fighting neuroblastoma.  I read her updates on my Facebook and was drawn to her spunky warrior attitude.  Last Fall, I watched her on the Ellen Show.  Talia though just 13 was an aspiring makeup artist who became a You Tube sensation.  She rejected wearing wigs despite her hair loss and instead chose to use make up as a focus to accentuate her beautiful features.  This young lady was however more than a fashion obsessed teen.  In her interview with Ellen, she was asked how despite her diagnosis she stayed so positive.  Her reply, "What am I supposed to do be depressed?  A little fishy once told me...just keep swimming."  This line was in reference to the character Dory from Finding Nemo whose voice came from Ellen DeGeneres and whose motto to just keep swimming is a great mantra for anyone going through any struggle especially Cancer.  It is is a fun way to remember to take things one day at a time and keep going and appreciate what each day brings you.  A few other lessons from Talia.  First, childhood cancer is robbing too many children of their lives and far too little resources are being directed toward finding a cure.  Most everyone with cancer wants to live no matter their age. I know 48 seemed too early for me to leave this life and my husband and kids but I can at least say that I've had my fair share of life marriage, children, travel and many other experiences.  These kids who succumb to childhood cancer are robbed of far too much in life.

Watch this video to understand how cancer is affecting children and what you can do.  Sadly Talia became one of the children lost to this horrible disease on July 16, 2013. Shortly before her death, she chose to encourage donations to a local Children's Cancer Charity in Orlando.  Her fundraising to date has raised over $125,000.  It is a reminder that our lives do not have to be defined by length of days but by what we do during the time that God gives us.

Another group of cancer warriors that commanded my attention were those suffering from metastatic breast cancer.  Again prior to my diagnosis, I knew precious little about breast cancer beyond what we hear a lot of especially during October when we see pink everywhere and discuss the importance of mammograms and early detection.  Once diagnosed with breast cancer the foremost question on your mind is have I caught this early enough has this spread?  In my own case, all the signs were encouraging.  I had regular mammograms and no concern had appeared in my previous mammogram just 10 months earlier.  I had my initial MRI and ultrasound that suggested that my lymph nodes were not involved but until my sentinel node biopsy and follow up pathology report last week my mind was not at ease.  Many women are surviving breast cancer but those who are dying are those whose cancer metastasizes.  Far too much is not understood about how this occurs and how to effectively treat it. I am currently following a number of women on Facebook and on other blogs who must fight daily against metastatic breast cancer.  For them, there is no complete cure.  they continue to require chemotherapy and other treatment not with the goal of a cure but with the goal of prolonging their lives and hopefully living with minimal symptoms. These are women of all ages as women can be diagnosed with breast cancer even as young as 21 and far too often these women have very aggressive cancers and a poor prognosis. Just ask Bridget Spence a 29 year old who died this past April after fighting this disease for 8 years having discovered it just shortly after her college graduation.  You can read her blog My Big Girl Pants to catch glimpses of the toll this disease takes on someone with this diagnosis  http://mybiggirlpants.blogspot.com/  Another very informative website is http://www.metavivor.org/Awareness.html  This explains more about metastatic breast cancer and also discusses what is a public misperception that all breast cancer is curable.  There is still more that needs to be done to win this fight.

Truly Cancer has changed my life.  Right now I feel incredibly blessed.  I have a good prognosis following a successful lumpectomy and a negative sentinel node biopsy.  I still will need to undergo radiation and most likely take something like tamoxifen for the best long term prognosis but the future health wise looks promising.  I cannot forget the lessons I have learned during these past 6 months or so.  First and foremost would be the value of each day of my life and to take a hard look at how I am spending it.  Second would be the need to open my eyes to the suffering of others and to make the most of opportunities to have compassion and understanding for the many in this world who suffer in some way. Finally, I am learning more so than ever the value of prayer.  Prayer is about accepting and learning from what challenges you are faced with.  It is about accepting that you don't have all of the answers in life and that often the most you can do is pray especially for those things that you cannot control and to seek to accept with serenity those people and circumstances that you cannot change.  Trust that God alone can do what we can't and seek to understand his will in your own life.