Traveling as a Pilgrim

I'm going on a pilgrimage!  Actually, I'm following much of the path that a group of friends from church took about 1 year ago.  What makes a pilgrimage different from a trip? I've pondered this by reading up on it and choosing my destinations carefully.  I've chosen many sacred places to go to and the focus is a bit different than trips I've taken and planned in the past.  Where am I going? Geographically to France and Spain.

Unlike previous trips, there will be just my husband and I, except for the 3 days in Paris when we will be guided by my favorite French neighbor, Nadine, aka "Frenchy." No other family or friends.  We had hoped to make this trip with a few close friends but circumstances dictated differently so it will be just Bill and I, no children as they are all grown and will stay behind tending to their own lives and responsibilities. During the course of the 2 weeks, I will turn 50, a milestone for sure. I have almost exclusively planned every detail.  Bill says he likes to be surprised so hopefully it will be pleasant for him since this a rare 2 weeks off from work.

My planning for this journey began talking with my wonderful friend Sherrie whose 50th birthday I was blessed to share and spend celebrating in Italy in 2012.  It's been a long 2 years since then and so between wanting to plan my own itinerary to visit France & Spain for my own birthday trip and having been unable to go on the voyage with those from St Patrick's last November this plan has had much inspiration and thought.

Having spent much of 2013 focused on diagnosis and treatment for breast cancer,  I have looked forward to being able to have the resources and health to make this journey.  God has truly blessed me.  I am once again healthy and strong.  I was able to work teaching swimming all Spring and Summer to save for this trip.  I expect it to be the trip of a lifetime but I want to spend each day open to the unexpected blessings and graces that I hope to experience during this time. So a bit about my journey and more when I return.

We will begin in Paris as the hub to start this adventure.  We will take the train to the Normandy area.  During our 2 day stay in Bayeux which is near the Normandy Beaches, we will drive to see just a few highlights of what there is in this region.  First on the list is Mont St Michel.  Here we will see an 11th century abbey dedicated to St Michael the Archangel.  My father owned a framed sketch of this very unique almost castle like fortress that is a times completely surrounded by water.  We plan to attend mass there this Sunday.  From there, we will spend the remaining day exploring sights related to the D-Day invasion.  Both my parents were alive in 1944 and my dad served in the army for many years and although he was too young to serve his country during World War II, his brother and sister did serve.  I have always been touched when visiting Arlington Cemetery and I look forward to being able to pay homage by remembering those and honoring those who sacrificed so much for ours and the world's freedom.

On Monday, we will return to Paris but I hope to squeeze in a brief visit to Lisieux, France.  During my cancer treatment especially while undergoing chemotherapy, I felt called to reread St Therese's, autobiography,  Story of a Soul. St Therese, known as the little flower,  spent much of her life in this area both as a child and when she entered the Convent at the age of 14.  She reminded me that we must have childlike faith trusting God in all things and accepting suffering just as Jesus did for us.  She was no stranger to this suffering especially in the months prior to her death from tuberculosis  which occurred in 1897 when she was just 24 years old.  Here, I will walk where she lived and visit a beautiful Cathedral built in her honor and ponder the love and dedication which she gave during her life to serve Jesus.


I first dreamed of visiting Paris as a high school student when I took French for 2 years.  For the record, I have retained none of what I learned and feel so blessed to have my neighbor, Nadine,  show us this famous city and do all the talking!  If I had planned a trip then, I would no doubt have thought mostly about sightseeing Versailles, The Louvre and the Eiffel Tower.  I would have been obsessed with finding the best French cuisine .  Sure as a Catholic I probably would have visited Sacre Cour and Notre Dame but connecting with the spirituality that inspired these places of faith would have not been my primary motivation.

What do I most look forward to seeing in Paris?  The Chapel of the Miraculous Medal.  Few outside the Catholic church and many who are Catholic do not know the story of the Miraculous Medal.  I was one of those until when my children attended Catholic School, my son brought one home from school.  The story behind the medal and its creation following an apparition of Mary to a young nun in Paris captivated me.  Growing up with a Catholic father and a Methodist mother, I was not encouraged to develop a devotion to the Blessed Mother.  As an adult, I found myself wanting to learn about Mary and her faith and to be inspired to be a better mother and a more faithful believer. I have worn this Medal for many years.  It continues to inspire me and remind me of faith and it encourages me to be courageous and trusting when confronted with trial and suffering. I expect to be brought to tears when I enter this sacred place.

After 3 days in Paris, we will fly to San Sebastian, Spain.  My idea for this came from the voyage planned by our deacon on last year's trip.  It's on the Northern coast of Spain and looks to be a beautiful starting point to beginning our exploration of the next country.  Did I mention that we were going to rent a car and drive back to France the next day?  Ideally, I had hoped to visit Lourdes, France next but after sorting through the logistics of car rental and trains and travel between the 2 countries, I discovered it was easier to rent a car in Spain and return it in Spain.  Lourdes, France is in the Southern part of France.  It is a small town but due to it's fame from the Marian apparitions in 1876, it now is only second to Paris in the number of hotel rooms.  Lourdes is a place associated with many physical and spiritual healings. Plans for this visit include the evening candlelit procession of pilgrims and visiting the baths and I plan on taking the plunge in the cold spring water.  I will thank God for my own cancer healing and pray that I may continue to be blessed with health.  Also, I saved my port through which I received chemotherapy drugs during treatment and I plan to leave it in Lourdes. Each time I was stressed during procedures, biopsies, MRI's and preparing for surgery I pictured my own mother and mother Mary holding my hand and it gave me strength and courage it's my way of acknowledging and saying thanks.


Next we will travel to Haro in the La Rioja region of Spain.  It is very famous for wine.  Last year when I traveled to Australia I visited some vineyards.  If you read the gospels, you can't help but recall many parables related to wine and vineyards.  As I walked through the vineyard last year I recalled Jesus words and could visualize and relate to those works of scripture, " I am the vine, you are the branches." Traveling to this stop will also take us in and around the famous Camino de Santiago or The Way of St James.  This is a very old footpath which begins in France and winds through Spain ending at Santiago de Compostella.  Since the Middle Ages religious pilgrims have traveled along this route which ends at the Cathedral in Santiago de Compostella.  There the bones or relics of St James the Apostle are believed to be in the Cathedral.  This is a journey of 500 miles which takes those walking about 6 weeks. Bill and I can't do the trek until we retire so for now I must be content with glimpses of the notable places and if God wills it perhaps someday I will get to walk along the Camino.

On my trip to Italy in 2012, we found traveling through the countryside past farms and hills so serene and I look forward to this time being able to savor Fall and the places along the way en route to Santiago de Compostella. We will visit Burgos and Leon and every church and cathedral I can fit into my travels. I look forward to experiencing the food and culture along the way. Also there are apparently numerous medieval castles and walls throughout this region not something I see everyday in Georgia or elsewhere in the US. I look forward to the 5 days we will spend traveling through this region.  Finally when we reach Santiago de Compostella after 2 days we will take the train to Madrid our departure point for home. 

When I am done, I expect to have made many wonderful memories and hope that my faith life with be further enhanced.  God is good all the time so I don't anticipate being disappointed. I recently read on a daily devotional website that I follow that spiritual discoveries benefit us forever. My goal is to come back transformed and renewed and ready to live each day more purposefully.  This sounds much like my hopes for my life following cancer. Please keep me and Bill in prayer during this journey and if you have a prayer request or special intention, please send it to me.  I plan on spending regular time in prayer each day and I promise to pray for each of your intentions.  God Bless!

Claiming Today

I'm claiming today as my one year anniversary of cancer or cancerversary as it is also called.  What does that mean and why is today important to me?  Ideas around this date and what day it falls on have to do with different things but from what I have been told and to me it has to do with the day you were diagnosed and every year beyond that is the time you mark.  February 5th was the date of my biopsy one year ago. It was 2 days later that I received my official diagnosis from the breast surgeon.

It is a day today to say hooray I survived!... not the disease but the fear and the ordeal.  This day last year I remember sitting in the waiting area of the Breast Center in Macon just wanting answers was it cancer or wasn't it?  Would the doctor do a biopsy today or would I have to wait again for another appointment. I was that day and throughout the year surrounded by those who loved me my family, my daughter and husband, and a trusted friend and fellow breast cancer survivor, Wendy. That day I waited as I would wait every time that I saw this doctor, not complaining as there is no punctuality when your appointments revolve around individuals being told that yes, you have cancer. When it was finally my turn and I was examined the doctor told me that yes, today was biopsy day which would confirm what I knew in my heart that I had breast cancer.

Getting the biopsy was quite an ordeal not the actual procedure part as that was really not a big deal for someone who is not really that squeamish about doctors and medical procedures.  The ordeal was that a routine blood pressure check prior to the biopsy showed that my blood pressure was through the roof 200/110! My memory immediately went to the readings that my mother had days before her death from a cerebral hemorrhage.  My thought was to heck with cancer I'm going to have a stroke like she did! The nurse did probably half a dozen readings with multiple machines and although that was the high point, it did not ever reveal a normal reading.  Now, I had to worry about whether they would allow me to have the biopsy at all which was even more stressful thinking about not having answers.  I had waited long enough!  Fortunately, the doctors did agree that the procedure could be done.

I remember waiting  for the procedure clutching my rosary and trying to relax and trust that God was right there with me which I believed but I could not will my blood pressure down.  February 5th interestingly and providentially enough is also the feast day for St Agatha, an early church martyr who is considered to be the patron saint for breast cancer. My belief in God has never wavered throughout any of this or before any of this but coming to a place of true trust and peace has not been an easy journey.  I knew what I believed that I was willing to accept whatever God willed but my stomach was doing flips.  Why couldn't I be less afraid?

What I remember most about the procedure was the radiologist doing the procedure.  She must have seen the fear in my eyes and she was so reassuring.  She told me, "You are going to have a hard year, but you are going to be just fine."  My fears I truly believe were based on the extent of the cancer.  Had it spread to my lymph nodes?  How had this lump, almost 3 centimeters grown unnoticed by me or had it been missed by last year's mammogram?  The imagination is not always a good thing. Anyway the procedure did get done and I went home to unwind with a glass of wine and waited for the results which would come two days later with a positive diagnosis.

True to the words of that doctor, I did have a hard year but in other ways I had an incredibly blessed year too.  I cannot say that cancer is a blessing but it can be a transformation point if you are open to the "opportunity" of reexamining your life that cancer presents.  So much in life each one of us takes for granted often basic things such as health or the ability to enjoy eating a meal or even being able to do simple errands like the dreaded weekly grocery trip.  Once you start to feel better and the fear is gone and you are on the road to being finished with treatment you value the simple opportunities that before you took for granted.

I also count this past year as an incredible learning experience.  I learned so much about this disease and I came face to face with others fighting their own cancer battles and saw and came to understand the suffering that this disease causes for both the patient and the family.  I was blessed to have wonderful doctors and medical care.  Yet at some point the more you learn about the disease the more you come to realize that although there are many successes and much progress in the fight against cancer there are still people of all ages dying of this disease.  For some their disease progresses too far before detection but for many others this is not the case.  Recurrence is a very real possibility with any cancer and once diagnosed there is a cloud that hangs over you forever.  It is not just a matter of fighting a single battle and forgetting as there are no guarantees as to what the future holds.

With this knowledge, I found myself wondering again about how likely it was for me to be cancer free forever.  It was almost easier to think that it would come back at some point.  I am a worrier.  I want to think that I am in control and I hate uncertainty so where does this leave me?  I have felt myself moving beyond this negativity but it has only come through a realization that my life is not completely my own.  I believe that God created me and I am learning the meaning of placing my trust in God.  I will be here as long as he wills.  I can worry about it or I can move forward each day being open to the opportunities and challenges that come my way. So today I find that I am feeling well and at peace.  I am joyful for my own good fortune but I hurt for others whom I  know are still in the midst of struggle from this disease.  I am no longer feeling worried for myself and I pray that I will continue to have this peace even in the event that my health circumstances change.

Sky is clearing 

So I'm claiming today and celebrating this point in my journey of life.  This morning the sun cleared after a few wet and rainy days and the clouds parted and the sun came out.  I found this to be a very fitting setting for what today means to me.  Life is a cycle that like the weather we do not have complete control over.  Mostly, I am learning that the value of my life comes by my turning to God and trying to follow his will for my life.  There is a strange freedom in understanding that your life is not completely your own.  I don't wish to relive the past year but I do believe that it has taught me to count my blessings and to live with more purpose and gratitude and for that I am incredibly thankful.

Counting on Christ

How has Cursillo changed me?  To answer that requires that I look backward to where I have been and where I am now.  Where has God been in my life?  Where is he now? By the Grace of God I have always known that God was in my life that he did exist and that somehow he was working in my life and in this world.  I credit this to my parents.  Briefly, my father was a cradle Catholic who strongly identified with his Roman Catholic faith.  From him, I learned a strong sense of duty to God, an obligation to attend mass and from time to time as I grew older I could ask him questions and learn from his strong foundation of Catholic education from grade school to college.  My father was particularly enamoured of Jesuit spirituality having graduated from Georgetown and he passed this appreciation onto me.  Although my parents were married in the church following my mother's forced conversion, my mother was not and did not remain Catholic.  Her heart was with the church where she was raised the United Methodist Church.  This was a bitter point of dispute with my parents.  My father was adamant that I was and would be Catholic yet my mother endeavored and successfully shared many aspects of her personal Spirituality with me.  What did I learn from her?  Much! I attended Sunday school for at least 10 years growing up.  I received my first bible at her church when I was 8.  I learned beautiful hymns that still echo in my heart and and I can still hear both her and my grandmother who were both very accomplished musicians singing these songs which still stir my heart to love and adore God for all he is and all he has given to me.  From my mother, I learned an example.  She prayed with me each night as she tucked me in and I would say Now I lay me down to sleep probably till I left for college. Each night she read from her bible and studied God's word.  At times she would share special spiritual insights with me like when I visited Colorado the first time and was so struck by the beauty and majesty of the Rockies and upon calling her she voiced what I had been thinking when you behold these mountains you are certain without doubt that God exists.

Academy of the Sacred Heart-Grand Coteau Louisiana 

More formation occurred the year I attended boarding school at the Academy of the Sacred Heart in Grand Coteau, Lousiana.  My father had attended and graduated from Catholic Military School and spoke fondly of this experience.  I was fourteen, struggling and unmotivated academically.  I wanted to escape from living in the constant drama that was unfolding between my parents who had separated and I jumped at the novelty of getting away from home and having a fresh start when my father suggested it.  My mother was opposed to this but she acquiesced to my desire. Grand Coteau is located nearby to Lafayette, Louisiana in the heart of Catholic country.  The school was picturesque  set in a beautiful southern building amid large water oaks and dating back to 1821. The sisters of the Sacred Heart were our teachers and I came to love and respect them as well as to learn and more closely identify with my Catholic faith during my year there. I was drawn to attend daily mass, my own choice, and I came to know the Jesuit priests from the nearby seminary particularly, Father Poche, the retreat director from Our Lady of the Oaks retreat house.  Several of my classmates and I spent time during the weekends learning about the history of the area and visiting the nearby cemeteries with this kind and wonderful man. During this time, I strongly felt the presence of God and even briefly contemplated whether I might have some calling myself to religious life.

After a single year, I chose instead to return back home to the private school where I had gone since the first grade.  My father was bitterly disappointed in my choice and as a result I lived with my mother and had limited contact with him throughout the remaining 2 years of high school.  On Sunday's when I would attend mass, my father refused to speak with me and I felt lonely, isolated and alone at the church where I had grown up.  As a result, I began attending church with my mother and grandmother.  I was welcomed here and even visited by the minister and invited to become a part of this community which had always been a second faith home to me.  Yet in my heart I was a Catholic as that had always been my identify.  Eventually, my father forgave me and encouraged me to return to church which I gladly did.

For college, I ended up at the University of Florida.  I initially began faithfully attending mass at the nearby church and Catholic student center.  I did not however become involved in student ministry and over time my attendance at mass became more sporadic.  The same year I started UF, I met a boy from my hometown named Bill whom I soon realized was the one I would spend my life with.  Having watched my parents marriage struggles over religion, I had always hoped that I would marry in the church.  Again through the grace of God, I had found the most wonderful person who too had been raised Catholic and so church membership was never an issue.  During our last year of college as we prepared to marry in the church, we both got caught up on our sacraments by being confirmed.  In 1986, Bill and I were married at the Cathedral of St Jude the Apostle the church where I had grown up in St. Petersburg, Florida.

Just over a week after Bill and I were married, we packed up my 1970 Ford Torino and moved north.  Bill would be working for Frito Lay in New Hampshire and I would be attending law school in Boston.  Moving to New England was quite a culture shock.  We knew no one.  Having just received the sacrament of Matrimony one of the first places that we went was the nearby church in the town of Derry, New Hampshire where we settled.   From this first point and throughout our marriage in almost every community where we have lived the Catholic Church has been and continues to be a place of belonging.  That belonging however has grown from a place to attend mass fairly regularly and on Easter and Christmas to a place that defines who I am and why I am here.  In those early years of marriage, I was far more preoccupied with studying for a career and worrying about buying a home and where I would take my next vacation than I was with knowing God and his will for my life.

Fast forward to 1990, Bill and I had moved to Connecticut where our lives revolved around our careers and future plans for having a family and buying a house. In our new community, we did not establish the same ties with any parish.  There were 2 close by and I cannot remember the name of either.  One had air conditioning, one did not and where we went, when we went which I know was far less frequent, was more defined by what season of the year it was. In April of that year, I had just learned I was pregnant when I received a call from my Grandma telling me that my mother had been admitted to an intensive care unit at a hospital in Florida.  I was on a plane the next morning and within days I was having my mother removed from life support, flying to Memphis, Tennessee where she was to be buried and planning a funeral.  An unexpected death reminds us that we are not in control.  I believed and do believe that my mother is with God but losing her that year changed my life and my priorities.

To start with, we moved back to Florida.  Someone had to look out for my Grandmother who was 85 and suffering the onset of Alzheimer's.  I am an only child as was my mother so that left me.  Bill and I left our careers and lived with family for over 3 months until he went back to work once again with Frito Lay.  In November 1990, our son, Will, was born.  As is often the case following the birth of a child, faith reemerged and took on new meaning having seen during a single year both death and new life. Our parish became a central place of our life.  We attended mass regularly and baptized our son.  For myself, I wanted to pass onto my children the sense of faith that I had been given and I wanted them to grow up with one faith in their hearts. Another change was that I had no interest in returning to a law career despite the many years spent achieving that goal.  I had a new understanding that life was not forever.  I wanted to spend my days raising my son who was the joy of my life.

Found memories of kids during their ACA days

Fast forward again.  We added 2 more children to our family and changed cities. I wanted to enroll my children in Catholic school and for them to learn their faith in a way that I did not and in a community where they would thrive.  We did a bit of parish shopping until we found the right church with the right Catholic school. My son started in the 1st grade and my daughter in kindergarten at Annunciation Catholic.  Being a part of this school and faith community was an amazing experience. I learned about my faith with my kids.  I joined a church ministry called Ministry of Mothers Sharing and came to my earliest understanding of how God's Grace was operating in my day to day life as a mother. I volunteered at school, my kids played sports in the Catholic Youth League and their friends and ours were those who went to our church and we saw each Sunday at mass.  I also grew spiritually be electing to be a sponsor for RCIA for 2 years.

By 2004, teenage years arrived and my son graduated from the 8th grade.  He has significant learning challenges and the local Catholic High school would not have been a good fit for him.  I tried homeschooling him and then public school and neither option seemed to be a good fit.  About that time, Bill and I began to contemplate a relocation to Georgia.  Maybe moving to the country and a simple life living in the Bible belt would be better option for our kids and for us financially.  Maybe we could save money and send them to public school? We of course did take that relocation and move to Warner Robins in 2006. Once here we found that both  nearby churches were far smaller than our former parish.  St Patricks was closer so we started attending there.

From 2006 until 2010 Fall when I made my Cursillo seemed to be a time of constant turmoil. Teenagers are difficult! Our lives revolved around trying to keep them busy and entertained with sports and socially.  We made friends mostly through our neighborhood, Bill's work and cheerleading.  We attended St Patrick's regularly on Sundays and our 2 oldest attended confirmation class but we did not live in the bubble that we did when they were younger.  We  quickly questioned everything  about this move especially schools and the new friends they were making.  By 2008, we decided that Emily, my middle child, belonged back in Catholic school so she was enrolled at Mount de Sales. The following year I made the decision to enroll my youngest there as well with the hope that they would both graduate and flourish in a more disciplined environment. Being that Macon is 30 minutes away and that we were not members of St Josephs, we did not have the same experience that we had with Catholic school in Florida.  Emily did much better academically attending there but her sister struggled.  We enjoyed the sports and school events but we did not experience the same connection that we had in Florida especially spiritually.  At the end of Katie's(my youngest's)  first year, she had not completed the 8th grade satisfactorily and was denied to re enroll for the 9th grade. She had passed the grade and could move to 9th at another school just not Mount de Sales.  I was willing for her to repeat the 8th grade but was told it was against school policy.  I decided to homeschool her rather than put her back in public school. This was another big disappointment.

My first 4 years in Warner Robins had felt like a roller coaster.  I longer for the serenity that I had felt back while living in Florida and the spiritual support I had felt at my former parish. I had heard about Cursillo and Ultreya and knew Julie Eby from my neighborhood so I signed up to go knowing I needed something different in my life. I cannot forget the joy that I experienced on this weekend. Prior to coming I had started this blog that I entitled, "Grow Where you are Planted." When I heard that in Cursillo, we talk about blooming where you are planted it all made sense why I was there and it confirmed that this is where God wanted me to be.

I think many of us wish we could stay on the weekend forever.  Well maybe not in the bunkhouse with the hard beds and snoring but definitely in the Spirit. I guess that is why so many of us have chosen to serve on team.  I left feeling on top of the world and I could not wait to go back.  Yet back in the world we must go.  And as it goes, it was not  one month from my Cursillo  weekend when we faced another bombshell.  My daughter Emily was forced to withdraw from Mount de Sales  in October of her Senior year following a minor disciplinary incident .  Once again, I felt devastated.  Here I was trying to more forward in faith and learn to accept where I was and the circumstances of life and here was yet another blow in very long line of blows relative to raising the teenagers. Yet somehow, it was different.  I had started grouping as part of the 4th day and I had  not just friends who would listen but friends that helped me put it into a spiritual perspective and prayed with me and for me.

I remember when I went to my first group meeting at Julie Eby's house.  I felt like the youngster in the bunch.  I was the only one with kids still in school and I had trouble initially relating to those sharing about their grandchildren.  That was one surprise that I definitely did not need from my already wayward teens! Yet something told me.  This is where you belong there is much wisdom here and you can learn from them. Sometimes when I brought up things that were bothering me that I knew were petty in nature I knew I had much maturing that I needed to do in my faith. This group challenged me and accepted me and I finally had a place and spiritual sisters to gather with regularly to help me grow in my faith.

Even though I was gung ho to serve on team I did not do so until this past Fall.  I was going to do the Spring right after  my weekend in 2011 but there was a lot going on in my life and  so it seems for several of the weekends  after that.  I was hoping to serve last Spring but then another curve ball came my way, cancer.  Even though I count myself as a person of faith and know that my life belongs to God, I was so afraid.  I started back to daily mass something that I had not done since boarding school.  Here, not surprisingly were other Cursillistas whose faith inspired and strengthened my own.  I can't help it but I've got to talk about Bec and Ed again.  Bec who had just walked a similar cancer journey was there with a faith and strength that I wanted for myself. Ed looked out for me but was also especially concerned for my husband in his role as my caretaker.  Daily mass was my lifeline.  I had also started volunteering with RCIA .  This part of the St Patricks community  rallied around me as well and prayed with me and for me.  I became part of their study when Father Eric administered me with the sacrament of Anointing of the Sick.

As I had said, I wanted so much to be a part of the Cursillo last Spring.  Ann who was the Rectora had invited me.  Arlene and Denise both from my group were on that weekend.  Jim was the deacon, Bec was on team and Stephanie from RCIA was a candidate. Bec  and I had gotten to know each other better in the early part of last year.  She had come to my first chemo and brought a stuffed clown to cheer me up.  I kept hoping that I would feel well enough to volunteer at the last minute but I was in between chemo 4 and 5 and just didn't.  I did feel well enough to go for closing and I could tell from that what a wonderful weekend I had missed.  I vowed to do the next one.  Bec spoke of the cursillo following the weekend saying that she had felt that she needed to give back after coming through her own cancer journey.  I'll never forget her saying that she felt like she had done what God was calling her to do just following the weekend.  It was not long after that we learned that her cancer had reoccurred.

From June and onward despite having 2 surgeries I began to feel better.  I committed myself to serve on team and contacted Lawanda once I felt certain that I was well enough to do so physically. I told her in earnest I will do whatever you tell me.  I was even prepared to serve in the kitchen even though I really don't see that as my primary apostolate.  When Lawanda emailed and asked me to do the Layperson talk, I was honored but as I read the suggested text, I did not immediately connect.  All the wisdom from the longtime cursillistas  guided me as Deacon Ken and Katee  told me I could make this my own.  So I sat down and let the Spirit guide me and he did.  I was able to create something that helped me to grow in my understanding and which I hope also spoke to those candidates making their weekend. I also as I was preparing my talk was guided by Denise and Arlene and by Bec as well as I sat with her one afternoon in the Tuscan Room at her home and practiced asking her what she thought of my talk.  Bec so loved this ministry.  It was just a few weeks before the woman's weekend this past October when she entered hospice.  As many of us were there, I know that we felt a special connection as Cursillistas during this time of prayer and waiting for God to take Bec home which he did just days before the woman's weekend.

How Blessed am I? Thoughts while visiting Sydney, Australia November 2013

Despite my sadness at having said goodbye to a true sister and friend, the weekend was full of joy and the Holy Spirit.  Wednesday before the weekend began, was my last radiation treatment and the end of what I would term my active treatment for cancer.  It felt like a rebirth for me spiritually.  So how has Cursillo changed me?  Well I can honestly say that it continues to transform me.  It has given me a true sense of belonging.  I even wonder sometimes how I could ever leave Warner Robins and St Patricks?  Say what? What has Cursillo done for me?  It has taught me a formula to nourish my own faith life by finding the balance between study, piety and action.
It has also given me a strength and peace that I did not have last January as I confronted the uncertainty of my diagnosis.  I know as do all who have had cancer that it may come back.  Yet living and growing in my faith each day gives me the peace that I am endeavoring to do God's work and that my life is ultimately in his hands. I am better able to turn the troubles that I have and face in life over to God trusting that he can and will take care of whatever challenges I face if I just trust in him. At the end of last year, I thought to myself how blessed am I and knew in my heart that I was indeed blessed because God has taught me how to trust him and I can confidently say I am counting on Christ today and always....de Colores!

Everyday Epiphanies

I'm taking one last look at my Christmas tree which I left up until the church celebrated day for the Epiphany this past Sunday.  I love my tree!  Mostly the ornaments which are covered with memories ornaments made by my children, ornaments made by Bill's Grandma Campbell long since deceased, ornaments purchased from almost every place I have been with my family, ornaments brought home to me from Germany by my father and even a few that belonged to my mother. Each year as I put it up it reminds me of all I have to be thankful for. This year it took on even more meaning as I emerge from a year of cancer treatment.

Everyday going forward suddenly has so much more meaning and purpose to it. I take so much less for granted.  Even household chores are becoming less burdensome as I am thankful that I can get up feel good and push the vacuum.  I can make dinner for my husband and minister to others.  In short what seemed mundane no longer feels that way to me.


As I pondered this new lease that I have on life I was reminded of my mother.  It's funny the things that you remember about someone and what they did or said when they are gone.  She died in 1990 when I was still pretty young, just twenty five. I would say that I took a lot for granted before her death and her sudden death changed me and the choices I made going forward. Like choosing to stay home with my newborn son rather than pursuing what I thought was my destiny of being a courtroom litigator.  What's really important when you realize that life is not forever?

This morning as I was pondering my thoughts and trying to put them down and be more faithful to using my time better going forward I thought of the play, Our Town, that my mother and I saw together twice when she was alive and even though I have not seen it since it came back to me.  For those reading who are not familiar, Our Town is a 1938 three act play written by Thornton Wilder, an American playwright. The set for the play is very minimal; there is nothing elaborate no scenery and almost no props. Act 1 begins and ends as  a simple and routine day as the audience is introduced to the cast of characters including the two main characters Emily and George who are young students attending school in their town of Grover's Corner, New Hampshire.  Act 2 fast forwards 6 years to when the two are married. Act 3 begins somberly 9 years later as Emily is laid to rest following her death in childbirth. This scene takes place at the cemetery where Emily talks with others from the town who have also now died and wants to return to live just one more day. She is allowed to do so and chooses a fairly ordinary day that of her twelfth birthday. As she begins to relive this one day, she is struck by how fleeting life is and how so much of daily life is taken for granted rather than savoring every moment.  This painful realization prompts her to return to the others at the cemetery with a poignant quote "Does anyone ever realize life while they live it... every, every moment?"

I can still recall my mother who cried at the end of this play both times but the second time as we saw it most in my memory.  It was Fall 1985, the year before I was married.  It was time together that I took for granted just like the characters in the play.  She had come to visit me at The University of Florida for Parent's weekend at my sorority, Phi Mu.  I was looking for something for us to do together to pass the time and I think one of my sorority sisters was in the play.  At the time, the future seemed endless, I was getting married in August and time seemed just an obstacle to pass time till my future began. By Fall of 1986, I was married, living in New Hampshire and my time with my mother until her death in 1990 would only be for brief visits  when we visited Florida and for the last time when I graduated law school in 1989.

Fast forward to 2013.  Much has happened in life.  I am married and I have 3 children, 2 adults and 1 on the verge of adulthood.  Life in Warner Robins, Georgia appears pretty boring most of the time.  The joy of parenting young children is long since gone and often I feel like I don't have much input into the lives of my children who are probably much like I was over 25 years ago. Enter a cancer diagnosis leading to my own Epiphany much like the one when my mother died that reminds me that life is not forever.  None of us know how long we ourselves or those whom we love will be here.  The challenge is to live everyday as an opportunity.  Prior to 2013, I would have guessed that I would be like my maternal grandma who died at 94 since I didn't smoke, wasn't obese and had no real health concerns. Living this past year has reminded me of the value of each and everyday.  I wish I could say that I have made the most of everyday since my diagnosis but I can't.  I can however say that I am living with a new awareness of all the blessings in my life and more determined to be thankful and grateful in return. Time to stop writing and onto living!

Do Whatever He Tells You

Welcome to 2014! If only I could synchronize my thoughts with actually sitting down to write what is in my heart.  As I begin this New Year, I am full of joy and expectation and resolved to be better in a number of ways.  January 1st, I began right for the first time in years...I went to mass!! After all, my Catholic faith I espouse has taught me that it IS a holy day of obligation.  I almost did not as I had my inlaws packing to leave, my husband  at work and I was tired from staying out at parties till past midnight and holiday entertaining.  I do believe that God was challenging me and  I knew clearly in my heart what he was telling me to DO...  make following him and doing what he was telling me a priority by following through and   joining with others in my faith community to honor him first on this 1st day of the New Year. 

My trip to church was rewarded as it always it by seeing friends and more importantly by a renewal of joy that comes from obeying my Lord and Savior putting him first and turning everything over to him. "Obey" doing as someone else is telling us is often challenging and in today's world downright counter cultural. The title for this post comes right out of scripture from the gospel of John Chapter 2,  

"On the third day there was a wedding in Cana in Galilee, and the mother of Jesus was there. Jesus and his disciples were also invited to the wedding.  When the wine ran short, the mother of Jesus said to him. 'They have no wine.'
 [And] Jesus said to her, 'Woman how does your concern affect me? My hour has not yet come.'  His mother said to the servers, 'Do whatever he tells you.'" 

Here as the story unfolds we see, Jesus, God incarnate, choosing to obey his mother by performing his first miracle and transforming the water into wine.  This brings up a question of why would Jesus or why would anyone choose to obey another?  A recent thought provoking question that I heard from a deacon at church during a gathering of our Cursillo community was, "Do we obey because we love or do we love because we obey? My response after weeks of pondering is that we obey because we love.  Choosing to obey or submit to another is often an act of selfless love when done not out of coercion, fear or guilt but truly and lovingly deciding to respond by doing what is asked.

So how to discern what God is asking?  My life and those of many whom I call friends in my faith community have been incredibly blessed by a movement within our church called Cursillo.  There is a similar movement in the Protestant Faith called Walk to Emmaus and Tres Dias.  To know anyone God included demands that we devote time to that relationship. We do this in 3 ways first through study or learning. Second, We must devote time talking and listening to God by prayer or piety.  Finally, once we know we must move forward with action by doing what he is telling us. 

Much of 2013 for me was spent studying and praying.  Having started last January with a breast cancer diagnosis, I learned and encountered many new and challenging things from medical information to the realities of how many people have been touched by and affected by this disease.  I confronted the reality that my life was ultimately in God's hands. I prayed, increased my attendance at mass and was joined by and supported by others who prayed for my strength and healing as I journeyed through fear, sickness and once again toward physical health with a new sense of understanding and awareness. I can honestly say that 2013 was a time for me to grow spiritually with a new awareness of what matters in life and paving the way for a future where my life can be more purposeful moving forward.  Yes God, I am listening and you have my attention.  Now in 2014, the challenge is to action by obeying God and serving him first and foremost. 2

A Meaningful yet Short Journey

This post is a tribute to my dear friend, Bec Alegre.  But not just Bec but also her beloved husband Ed.  As I started to write this post weeks ago, I asked the Holy Spirit to guide me in pouring out what is in my heart.  When I began this post,  my friend Bec had just entered hospice  and was living out what was expected to be just a few days. Bec Alegre has meant so much to many of us  in my Middle Georgia community and coming to accept that the cancer which she had struggled against so bravely would in just a short time claim her life have been a swirl of emotions for so many.  Sadness to be sure, but joy and hope are equally at play in those who know her and share her faith in God.

A little of my personal journey just to witness to the impact that Bec and Ed have had on my life and my husband, Bill's, life in really just a very short time.  It is a truly a testament to the power of two people united to God and each other and how we can each make a difference in our world.  Early this February, I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  It came from out of the blue no family history and me under the age of 50. My parents are both deceased, I have no siblings and although I have my husband's family we do not share a spiritual connection as believers do.

Back up farther Bec and Ed were members of our St Patrick's Faith community. I came to know them both when a became a part of the Cursillo Family. You can read about Cursillo if you are not familiar with this movement in the Catholic Church in my post Your Will not My Whim written in 2010 shortly after I made my Cursillo weekend. Both Bec and Ed had served on team for Cursillo meaning they put on the weekends.  I first got to know Bec when we traveled to a formation meeting together. So many words describe Bec spunky, vivacious and of course joyful but what impressed me the most was her deep and abiding sense of Faith and trust in God.

Fast forward a bit. Ed is apostolic by nature.  He truly wants to bring more people to know Christ more in our community and his favorite church ministry is Cursillo.  He very much wanted my husband, Bill to make a Cursillo weekend but my Bill though very spiritual was a little uncomfortable with the idea of spending a weekend camping out and sharing "feelings,"  with a group of men from church.  Our friendship remained status quo for sometime, we saw each other at church, I saw Bec and Ed at Cursillo events and Bill and I saw the Alegres at other church related functions.


In 2012, Bec was diagnosed with ovarian cancer and required surgery and chemotherapy.  Her chemotherapy regimen was demanding to say the least and she suffered many of the usual side effects especially fatigue and of course hair loss.  I never remember her missing Mass even though she often looked like she felt awful.  She truly had a warrior spirit and never lost that sense of humor.  She accumulated an assortment of wigs, my favorite was the Bahama Mama one which made her look like a cross between Bob Marley and Bo Derek. The entire Catholic Community in Warner Robins and beyond as well as many friends from other faith traditions prayed constantly for our dear Bec as we were kept abreast of her healing journey through periodic emails from Ed. Toward the end of last year she emerged feeling better and looking to be cancer free.  She celebrated with joy some of her favorite holidays Halloween and Christmas.

In January of this year, a one year Canciversary party was held for Bec in the recently completed Tuscan room at their home.  It was a day full of joy, good food and many blessings.  By then my own Cancer journey had begun.  I had a sizable lump in my breast and was waiting anxiously for my appointment with a breast surgeon.  By that time, Bec and Ed had taken me under their wings.  I had started attending daily mass where they were already regular attendees.  I was overcome with anxiety yet there was Bec having emerged from the battle of her life against a diagnosis far worse than mine calming me with her wisdom and complete trust and faith in God no matter what the circumstances.

The next few months from February through early June was the heart of my Cancer journey as I underwent a biopsy, confirmation of diagnosis, oncology visits and finally the start of chemotherapy.  Bec and Ed were always one of our first calls after these crucial appointments listening to each report, providing compassion and walking step by step with us a journey which they had just completed and cheering us on. Ed was always concerned for how Bill was dealing with things as he understood completely what it meant to be a caregiver and worry about the well being of the one you love the most.  Bec was there calming my ever bubbling anxiety and mentoring me with her Faith filled spirit.  At some point, Bec in some ways reminded me of my own mom although she is noway old enough to fill that role so maybe a big sister would be a better description but all I know is that Bec was the kind of person that anyone facing a diagnosis and struggle with Cancer would be extremely blessed to have in their life and I did! We were frequently together socially playing tennis, having dinner together and of course cocktail hours.  We shared a lot of laughter, our friendship grew and our lives became more intertwined.

In May, Ed and Bec took a cruise together.  It would seem that life was returning to their old normal which had been a mixture of Faith, friends, travel and fun as I am looking back at pictures of their life together.  However just before leaving Bec shared with me after mass one day that recent lab tests had revealed an increase in Cancer markers and that this would have to be evaluated with further testing once they returned.  In true Alegre fashion as I have come to understand, they forged ahead and had another memorable trip and cruise making new friends along the way.  Shortly after their return, it was confirmed that Bec's cancer had returned and that this time treatment options were limited, short term and that this recurrence would ultimately prove to be fatal.

Where do people of Faith turn it such times of trial?  To God as we believe that he made us, loves us and guides our journey.  We are ultimately in his hands and sometimes we struggle to accept that his will includes suffering.  Bec and Ed's confidence and trust in God flows naturally from them both and  was also transforming Bill's and my own spirituality. Once again, Ed invited Bill to join in the weekly group at his home of fellow male cursillistas.  And this time, Bill was ready to be a part of this gathering and sharing of spirituality. Although hurting for our friends, I was overjoyed to see this growth of faith in my own husband.  Bill and I now talk more about Faith with one another which had long been a desire of mine as he is such a wonderful husband and good person and this just adds to the blessings of our marriage.

The next few months from June forward have been a mix of ups and downs.  For a while it seemed like Bec was outwardly very healthy but she knew in her heart differently as she privately confided with some that she didn't expect to beat it this time.  She was the epitome of a purposeful and faith filled believer as she looked back with no regrets at the time she had been given since her initial bout with Cancer.  In early May, she had again served on team for Cursillo speaking about Piety and again forging forward to encourage others to draw closer to Christ.  I will never forget her saying to me upon completing this service that she felt like she had done what God had called her to do and was ready to accept death whenever God called her.

It is difficult to accept that as I have grown healthier in my own battle with Cancer, Bec has declined, become sicker, and grown weaker.  Both before entering hospice and throughout her time there, she continued  to amaze and inspire as did her husband Ed with his complete commitment to his wife in sickness and health and both of their complete trust in God. Three weeks ago, we were all somewhat shocked to be called to the hospital emergency room by Ed as what had seemingly been a normal doctor's visit and another Chemo infusion had ended with Bec experiencing severe pain and needing to go to the hospital. I had just seen her hours before while receiving an infusion at the same facility and even talked to them a bit later on the phone.  Now we were all confronted with the sad fact that Bec's continued stomach related symptoms from the past month had resulted in an obstruction to her intestine and the only fix was surgery.  Unfortunately, Bec would not have tolerated the surgery or likely been able to recover. So at that point we did what believers do we gathered together, prayed and comforted one another.

Bec entered a local hospice unit and for her first days there we all shared in a sort of living wake.  She was alert and with her typical sense of humor.  All the area priests visited Bec frequently and we even celebrated several masses in her hospice room #6.  One evening as we prayed the rosary our talented music minister brought her guitar and we sang joyfully many of our favorite faith filled songs.  She had so many visitors that the hospice unit had occasionally to shush us and as the days continued on visits had to be shortened to give both Bec and Ed a chance to rest.

The hospice journey which started out to be what we all expected would be a matter of days lingered on for 3 and a half weeks.  By her last week, Bec was extremely weak and slept almost continuously.  Though her body was ravaged by cancer and its symptoms, her spirit was strong and her young 62 year old body as well.  It was difficult to watch her body waste away and that vibrant spirit ebbing as she slowly declined and prepared to leave this world. Her spirit was matched by her husband, Ed's determination not to leave her side and to provide every care and comfort to her as he had vowed to do throughout their marriage and he did throughout from the onset of her cancer until her final breath. A weak ago as we celebrated mass one last time at the hospice unit I watched Bec struggle to participate in mass but was joyful to once more be in her presence celebrating the faith that sustains our community throughout our joys and sorrows.  As I embraced her and said goodbye that day I told her I loved her and she in her trademark way weakly said to me, "Back at ya!."

Yesterday, an early morning call from Ed summoned Bill and I to be with him as Bec had finally passed in peace and a small group of us gathered to pray final prayers over her body. Now her journey is complete and all that remains is to gather for funeral rites and say our final goodbyes.  We all went to St Patrick's yesterday, Sunday, to again celebrate mass as we do most Sundays and for me Bec's spirit was there joyful, faith filled and confident ... free from an early body that could no longer support such a remarkable soul. It was there that my first tears began to fall as I pondered how much she had meant to my life in such a short time.  During Bec's time in hospice one day, I sat on the edge of her bed held her hand and looked into her beautiful twinkling blue eyes, which my father used to say was the window to the soul, and tried to thank her for what she had meant to me. It had occurred to me earlier that day that although our time as close friends had been short it had been frought with meaning.  For some reason the story of the disciplines leaving Jerusalem on the way to Emmaus after the crucifixion made sense of this and gave me some understanding of this journey. I have learned that the trip between those two places in the Holy Land is short and when the disciples encountered unbeknown  to them the risen Jesus and shared with him the scriptures and finally broke bread together their eyes were opened. I shared this reflection with Bec and thanked her for all she had done to fortify my journey and told her that although our time together had been short I was so grateful and blessed to have come to know her even though relative to many others my time with her was brief. Ok so I admit I did tear up in room 6 when I said this to her....sorry Ed!  My tears as I told her were tears of joy for all she had meant to me and for the faith which as  a believer I believe would lead her to a new life in Christ one that is free from all suffering and where peace is eternal.  My friend, I hope you can in some way continue to watch over me and with your spirit which I feel is very close even though you have left us that you will somehow encourage and guide me and that one day God willing we will meet again.

Thoughts on Trusting God through Trial

Faith in God requires trust.  It is easy to feel affirmed and trusting when surrounded by good things in life but when the trials come where does this leave us?  We are so dependent on affirmations and when we experience those trying times we often struggle to accept and understand that God is indeed present in the good and in the bad working in our lives and the lives of others. Often our peace suffers because of  the actions of another something completely beyond our control. This peace is dependent on externals and   is easily destroyed.  It is only through better knowledge of God surrender and childlike  trust in his guidance both in our own lives and those of others that true serenity is possible.

Our love for others can be one of the greatest sources for pure joy. Case in point the love that as a parent you discover for your precious newborn or young child. Love however to be healthy often requires boundaries that can mean that we have to pull back even from someone we love deeply like a partner or a child. We cannot control others or their choices even from very early on and we must instead endeavor to focus on our own power of choice and mindset. Loving as a Christian may prompt us to do too much at times but genuine love requires a balance between our own needs and the needs of another.

It is at this point that we can grow by turning to God although  we cannot understand with our limited knowledge his all his ways.   When we allow God to inspire our actions and direct our paths or actions toward others we can further God's purpose in our world.  Lord, guide my journey this day and always.  Help me to trust you to handle what I cannot.  I so want the peace that you promise but I cannot find it in the circumstances of this life.  I can only find it through knowledge of you and through allowing and trusting you to direct my ways and those whom I love.  I must allow and trust  you to take control of my life. In doing so may I become pleasing to you and a light for others to come to see and know you.