Growing in Gods Way

Discouragment. A familiar feeling to me as the parent of teens. It is hard to not to take their mistakes and failures personally. I find that I struggle in how to respond to their shortcomings. Acknowledging that we all make mistakes yet trying to train them in a way to encourage responsibility. Questioning their actions and challenging them draws their anger yet to do nothing seems uncaring and irresponsible.

Sunday in church the scripture focused on Jesus teaching his disciples how to pray and the words to the Lords Prayer . In my mind and heart, I believe that God has the answers to all that troubles me as a parent and certainly will provide me with the strength to perservere even when I feel this discouragement and don't know what to do or say next. Yet when I am tested by my children's actions I often feel like such a failure. I descend into a place of despair and feel such lack of motivation. I should turn my eyes to God and ask for his wisdom and strength. Though the mistakes of my children seem to never end, faith should direct me to pray fervently for God's strength to allow me to forgive my children for their mistakes as the words to the Lord's Prayer remind me to "Forgive our trespasses as we forgive those that trespass against us." Certainly, we need to forgive one another. I know that I am far from perfect yet God has charged me with guiding and directing my children as their parent. How do I impart forgiveness while as a parent challenging them to live better lives.

At times I get to a point where I feel that those things that I have tried to do right as a parent seem to have counted for nothing. I feel a sense of utter despair and wonder why I am such a failure. Why my children seem to not learn from past mistakes and continue to repeat the same ones over and over again? Often I turn to those whom I count as my closest friends and find myself once again as the object of their pity...how is it that all these things seem to keep happening? My children live in a home with both parents and have had more advantages than most. We have made them a priority and continue to sacrifice for them yet their actions continue to fall far short of what we hope for them. This week has been a particularly low point for me and their father. It is one of those times that you wonder what you have been working for because it all seems to count for nothing. Even my generally upbeat husband has reached a breaking point where he feels like just giving up.

So at this point I am searching for an answer. Experience has shown that if I place my hope and trust in others I will be disappointed. Things and people in this world continue to disappoint me. Thankfully I am blessed with the gift of having what I feel ashamed to say is a mustard seed size faith. Yet this week in my feeble attempts to find some consolation and strength from Gods word I am again reminded that God can turn something so small into something that grows and thrives. Thankfully, last evening at least with my child was an improvement on the one before. My goal for today is to turn instead not to despair but to God who promises to provide strength for even the most hopeless and desperate of circumstances. Today I will try to look for God's blessings and consolation and try to remember that he is present and working in my life and in the lives of those I love.

My Children Seeds in the Garden

Raising Children seems to be such a gamble. So much is out of a parent's control. We want so much for them. For them to grow up and live decent lives, have good friends, choose a suitable spouse and at some point and become a productive member of society. So many variables so what is a parent to do? My children's welfare has been an ongoing source of anxiety for me. When I became a parent I was totally naive. I had no idea how demanding little ones were and how much your children do in spite of you. They are definitely not little extensions of a parent. They do not learn everything from you even the lessons that you consider to be the most important. As they grow to be teenagers they often reject your values and you examine yourself in a way that you never have before. Often you feel like a failure.

This week I have made an effort to return to daily reflection and to draw strength from God's wisdom. Reading one of the weekly reflections I came upon this passage a familiar one but one that helps me reflect on the point at which I find myself in life.

"A sower went out to sow.

And as he sowed, some seed fell on the path,
and birds came and ate it up.
Some fell on rocky ground, where it had little soil.
It sprang up at once because the soil was not deep,
and when the sun rose it was scorched,
and it withered for lack of roots.
Some seed fell among thorns, and the thorns grew up and choked it.
But some seed fell on rich soil, and produced fruit,
a hundred or sixty or thirtyfold." Mt 13: 2-8

In this parable God is teaching us that the seeds are souls as he is the sower. I can ponder that each of these seeds is one of my children. As a parent, I want to believe and hope that we have provided rich soil for them to flourish in. Certainly, they have had every advantage at least in terms of worldly and material goods. We have tried to plant the seeds of faith in each and to help to grow this faith in each of them. This parable reminds me however that not all is with in our control. Despite good intentions of the sower in this bible parable not every seed flourished. It is hard to reconcile a child who from birth is precious to his or her parents with something like a mere seed that seems plentiful and replaceable yet there is a lesson here.

My precious little seeds are now teenagers. One is an adult and another is just a few months shy of this legal milestone. I try to remind myself that just like a seed a child is something that must be let go of and entrusted to chance if there is to be growth and harvest. My role in many ways is done and there is no going back and doing it over. For me like the sower, I must wait and hope that in the end these little seeds, my children will flourish and grow.

Teach me to Serve and Walk Humbly with Thee

Over the last few months, the distractions of day to day life have gotten the better of me. I have abandoned daily reflection and drifted aimlessly. A vacation is a great time to refocus, re-energize. I have returned from what I always believed and was not disappointed was the trip of a lifetime, travel to Europe. During our time there we visited a number of beautiful churches and while in Munich, Germany we saw many beautiful buildings where the traditional architechture reflects a time years ago when God and church was the center of life for society. One of the sights I most longed to see was the Frauenkirche otherwise known as the Church of our Lady in Munich. It is the center of the city and its twin towers still mark the skyline as the tallest building in the city. Those towers survived the Allied bombings during World War II yet today even as this building is visited by many tourists, there are few faithful that make this church their parish home. Wanting to know everything about this beautiful building I purchased a pamphlet about its history for a few euros and read with sadness that as of 2008 this beautiful church in this beautiful large city only has 480 members....

During vacation wherever I am, I also like to spend time reading. I brought quite a few books with me for this trip especially for the long flight and the numerous train trips throughout Europe. One book that I have had for some time yet often drift to sleep before finishing more that just a few pages is, "Come be My Light." This book was compiled following the death of Mother Theresa of Calcutta and contains many her private writings providing insight into the life of this humble devoted modern day saint. I have long admired her words and her devotion and have read many other books containing her words and thoughts. Once again, I am inspired by what I read. Her openness to do the will of God led her to pursue serving the poor in Calcutta. I also marvel at her humility how despite that she is one of the most admired people in the world that she felt so unworthy and sinful. To imagine the work that she undertook despite the hardship is a true example of a very selfless person. True many of us cannot hope to ever compare to what she was and did and yet there are lessons and inspiration for each of us.

In reading this week the bible verses that I read challenges us to work to bear fruit for God. This week I have tried though very imperfectly to try harder to think about what his will would be for my actions. I have tried to put aside my frustrations especially with my children and even though I am exhausted at times from saying the same thing again and again I try to picture what and how Jesus would say and speak to them if he and not me were standing there and talking to them. I too intend to commit to more humility realizing how imperfect I truly am and to put aside my own selfishness. Hoping to bring these reflections and thoughts into the weekend and beyond.

I'll Love you Forever

Today is Mother's Day, a day with much meaning for many and myself no exception. It is a day when I remember my own Mother and the depth of her love for me and miss that in my day to day life. It is also funny enough a day when I remember my father who though now too deceased was born on Mother's Day 82 years ago. And now as I too am a Mother it is a day when I remember the Mother's Days of past years especially those when my children were younger and the joy of motherhood was simpler and not burdened by the day to day realities of raising teens and a prodigal.

For me this morning did not begin with little ones bouncing into bed with smiles, hugs or pancakes and cards made of paper and crayons. I have memories of those days and remember when I felt valued by my children and loved and needed. I have pin on buttons that they made in elementary school that I once wore proclaiming to all that I was the best Mommy ever. I have memories of the 1st grade Mother's Day tea where on the Friday before Mother's Day all of us were invited to the class and our little ones charmed us with reading the story by Robert Munsch, "I'll Love Your Forever." We needed plenty of kleenex that day but for tears caused by the simple sweetness of our precious little ones and thinking that one day they would be grown and we would be old yet our love for them would be forever.

Today instead began with tears of concern and worry and acknowledgement that as expected my children like myself are not perfect. They have and continue to make mistakes. I find myself on a roller coaster that does not end. I have some proud Mommy moments still but I have as those who know me can attest my share of significant issues with raising my kids these past 4 or 5 years. My life is not all bleak but there are moments when I truly feel as though I have in some way failed to effectively guide my children. When I brush off those thoughts, I know however that yes I have made mistakes but I have tried to give my kids what I could to help them. They have had love, advantages, involved parents and a good education. We have done more than most together as a family...I know this but the uncertainty of looking and knowing how important and crucial the next few years are for each of them and feeling often completely incapable of ensuring and directing the outcome is on many days overwhelming.

My role as a mother is in transition. I don't have the answers or the perfect recipe at this point and perhaps me nor any mother does. Today I empathize with others as I know I am not alone even when I feel that there are no answers to the dilemmas. There are many like me who are waking up today and shaking their heads and feeling torn between those innocent memories of a simpler time and the reality of wishing that somehow they could fast forward and know that when all is said and done things with the kids would turn out OK.

So rather than spend today sad, angry or frustrated I will try to focus my mother energy on hope. I have already prayed today and asked God to protect them. I have often told my friends that I believe that if you do not turn to God during the parenting years, you will never find him because I often at times like this understand that despite my best efforts I am powerless and it will take a force beyond my capabilities to ensure that things turn out right. I thank God that I take consolation in my Catholic faith. I can look to Mary, St Monica, St Elizabeth and St Rita to name of a few who watched with turmoil their children's suffering and felt no doubt to an even greater degree some of what I feel when I am worried about my children. I believe that God can and does work miracles and I hope that when all is said and done perhaps I will feel that I have not failed completely and more important than my own self esteem that my kids will turn out OK.

I also want this post to be about how much I do love each of my children. Will, I know you are caught in a difficult place right now. You want to be independent of us yet you do not have the resources or a clear idea of where you are going in life. I am praying for you. I love you and I want the best for you. We have done what we know how to do but it is up to you at this point. We can only do so much. I hope that God will put people in your life who can reach you and that your eyes will be opened to a brighter and more promising future. Emily, I believe that you are a strong and beautiful young lady. I think that the future holds much for you. I hope that you will find the strength and determination to focus on your goals and the day to day wisdom to make the choices that will lead you to a bright and promising future. I am thankful that you have learned from past mistakes and especially that we have learned to love and value each other and I hope sincerely that this never changes. Katie I believe that you too are a beautiful person and that you are capable of having many wonderful things in your life. I hope that you know that it is because I love you that I continue to stand firm on certain things and values. I do not want to see you sidetracked by those who do not have your best interest at heart. I also believe that you can learn from mistakes you have made and resolve to make better choices not just because it is what I want but because it is what will ultimately be what is best for you in the long run. I hope that you will know most of all that I love you.

So in closing to each of you and to all the mothers out there I remember the song of the mother from the Robert Munsch book: "I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always as long as I'm living my baby you'll be."

More from the Prodigal and the Blame game

Some days being a parent is far from what you imagined and hoped. When my son was born shortly after my mother's death, there were so many days of joy and simple pleasures. To this day I cannot think of anything that gave more pure joy to my life. Taking Will to the park daily or taking him to the nearby Springs in the Summer and basking in the joy of him sitting in the water close to shore while the fish darted close to his feet as he played and giggled these are great memories.

Sadly now I find myself confronted by a child that bears little resemblance to this person for whom I had so many hopes and dreams. Clashes over who he has become and what he intends to do with his life now seem to dominate every exchange between this child and his father and me. We continue to wonder what could we have done different?

Despite that we love him and have spent countless hours of worry and effort to try to give him the best opportunities in life, he feels that we do not listen or care and wants nothing more than to be away from us. The pain from this lack of appreciation is profound. In my heart, I believe that we have done everything for this child and been good parents. Will is at a point where despite the opportunities given to him and the love of his parents it is up to him. He wants to be treated as an adult yet is angry that he is being held to the responsibilities of that role. Since the beginning of high school we have watched with disappointment his poor choices and how they continue to move him to a place of less and less opportunity.

We have tried to intervene in meaningful ways. Counselors, tutors, changing schools and ultimately an intervention program his final year of high school in a desperate attempt to help him turn away from drugs and get his high school diploma. We were so hopeful in August when he reached this milestone. Sadly despite our best efforts and intentions, our son has not taken control of his life. He instead resents us and everything we have done and all our current efforts to encourage him to take charge of his life.

Since moving back home about a week ago, he has become more and more demanding and resentful. It seems impossible for him to recognize that what we want for him is to support him in a way that allows him to move forward in life. Yet as adults who have some understanding of the demands of day to day life, we are seeking to hold him accountable for his choices. He is in a very sad place. He is angry because he has no idea what direction that he wants to take in his life. All our suggestions college or trade school are labeled as unreasonable expectations and he is lost in a place where he has no motivation to work toward any goal. His day to day existence is focused on hanging out with friends, having a girlfriend although this person changes frequently, playing video games and partying. If he had his way, he would not work, sleep all day, play video games and party all night. This is not a lifestyle that we can accept.

Last night ended with yet another angry exchange. He wants us to pay for him to live in a dorm in Florida and go to college. Although going away to college was part of our dreams for our son, his past history tell us that this will allow him only a short time move out of the house and will result in us paying for him to live on his own while he continues a pattern of lack of effort in school and more failing grades. We find ourselves in a place where in light of his continued poor choices, lack of follow through and motivation we cannot be hopeful that by providing him with this opportunity he will finally take charge and move forward. Sadly, he is completely focused on how what WE have done has failed him.

In January, Will began attending community college. Although he did well in 2 of his courses, he struggled in his math course. Ultimately, he dropped this course. It is amazing to hear him say that the reason that he could not succeed was caused by the inferior education that he received at the intervention program he went to from March-August of last year. The question had to be asked so what did you do with the opportunities in school prior to this?

We are locked into a losing battle. Will who wants to blame someone or something for why his life is the way it is and us as his parents wanting for him to accept basic responsibilities which he either cannot or chooses to not. So where does this leave us? Not sure...it seems however that we are at a crossroads and one where perhaps despite our love and desire to help and support this child, we are powerless but for prayer.

Back on the Horse

Ok the pity party is over! My motto for the day. I am getting back on the horse and moving forward!

Today my first stop was at the online readings for the day. What counsel can God give me to start my day? Today's reading from the Acts of the Apostles, The conversion of St Paul. Lots of lessons for my own life and for my son's as well from that story. For me although I was able to focus on other things these past few weeks as I went back to swimming and teaching, I have been neglecting my daily spirituality in many ways. I have gotten away from starting my day with the daily readings and remembering to tune into God and his will throughout the busyness of my days. Then when the rain comes as in life it always does I am much like St Paul knocked off my horse and feeling blinded without direction. So that I am here first before other things and giving God my attention first and foremost that is a good thing.

For my son, there is more blindness and a longer journey ahead. This biblical conversion reminds me that God can get the attention of even the most stubborn and hard hearts. Another nugget from yesterday from Kelly was that as much as I love my son, God loves him more. The bible certainly gives us many examples of how God pursues and reaches to those who are misdirected. So perhaps it would be most productive to look at what I see as my son's failures as an opportunity for his growth and redirection. This is no doubt where hope and prayer come in. How can God help me to be a positive and loving instrument to shine a light to Will to a better path? How would God want me to reach out to this child as he would? I think this will be my question for the day..finding the balance between holding him accountable all the while communicating we love you, change is possible and God loves you too.

So today I pray that Will will start the first day of his journey first with a contrite heart. I pray that I can reach toward him with love, releasing my anger knowing and communicating in a more loving manner that we all make mistakes and can instead choose to focus our energy not only on past mistakes but on getting back on the horse and starting on a better journey.

Another Day more frustration

Last night I went to bed frustrated and between a busy day swimming and all I fell asleep before I could even see who got booted off American Idol. So today is another day? I have barely been up 1 hour and my child has brought new frustrations my way.

What should be my response? I am so very frustrated! First, I call my husband at work for a conversation of you're not going to believe what he's done now. I could not even continue my conversation with Will I'm just so frustrated and tired of poor decision making and choices. I suppose it's time for tough love so you quit your job and have no money and a tattoo and moved out and you want my help? The emotions over his actions come cascading like a tidal wave. Anger, you don't want to listen to anything I have to say yet you are all too happy to approach me with your hand out for money. Frustration what should I have done as a parent that I did not do...what can I do now to help shift this course. Embarrassment why is this kid so messed up? Disappointment you have rejected our values and chosen poorly. Sadness, I hurt that I am powerless to motivate you to change direction and chart a different course?

The only common denominator to all this is there appears to be no solution. I can and do call my friends who listen patiently and try to repair my shattered self image which although it probably should not be is somehow tied to how this person who is my child and how he is doing in life. They assure me that I have done all the right things and that it is incomprehensible that he should be so off course. I thank God for my friends and my husband who have and continue to be there throughout this journey.

Shortly after the first phone call this morning I try to get to a place of peace and resolve by turning to the Catholic readings for the day. My faith tells me that God is the place to go for the impossible. I am a believer and for this I thank God. My son has rejected the faith and values of his faith which for me is one of the greatest disappointments. To me it is no wonder that he is at a place for despair. He is the prodigal son one who has and continues to live based on his own whim and without direction or willingness to accept counsel. A good Christian friend today reminded me of this biblical parable. Thanks Kelly! We all know the story the prodigal son and how after spending his inheritance repents and comes home. At times like this I wish the bible could provide a bit more detail. How long did his father wait? How did he cope in the meantime? Did he feel like a bad parent or give up hope? Did he yell at his son? It is all summed up in a relatively few short passages and the message is one of hope but one where the resolution depends upon not the parent but the child having a change of heart. I just wish there were more instructions to the parent on how to promote that change. Waiting is such a powerless feeling and my son is not in a foreign land. Once again he is on my doorstep and going nowhere with his life.

The rest of our lives are disrupted. Bill comes home from work and I cancel lessons. The girls worry and hurt for their brother and are sick of the chaos from his poor decisions. Tough love? He now has no job, his car is parked in the driveway. He lives in a family where he has been given every advantage. How do we love him while holding him accountable? Do we close the door and leave him to further make even worse choices? If not how do we intervene meaningfully? As I said common denominator is there is no easy answer!