Freedom from Attachments

Journeying on the Retreat for for the real world which I have been following over the past month has produced some unexpected and surprising insights. Some of these lead me to feel a great closeness to God but this weeks has taken me in two totally different directions. Earlier this week, I began the retreat with the intention of focusing on those people who for me were models of Spirituality and Faith. This was a positive experience as I pondered those whose faith, trust and actions were an inspiration. I was prepared to focus only on this aspect.

The other aspect which the retreat guide asked me to pay attention to was the attachment to the things of this world including riches and honor. This produces some discomfort as I consider those areas of my life where I am attached to the desire for success and opportunity. The words of St Ignatius founder of the Jesuits are a very powerful tool for examination. He says, " We should use God’s gifts of creation however they help us in achieving the end for which we were created, and we ought to rid ourselves of whatever gets in the way of our purpose. " It was easy for me to look around and see that in our consumerist society we surround ourselves with many things beyond that which we need. I know I have at least by my actions attached great value to having many of the things of this world: a nice house, an abundance of clothing and travel opportunities. OK so I can see that I should try to get by with a little more simplicity. With the kids growing up, a smaller house will be an easier switch at some point...less to clean! I should clean out my closet and although with every trip through the stores especially at Christmas I will see things that I want but don't necessarily need like another coat or jacket, I can just say, "NO."

The bigger struggle is giving up on two other "attachments." First, to travel. This is a big part of what I like to do and in many ways I can reconcile this attachment. It allows me to spend time with my family. We are coming up in a week on a planned Thanksgiving trip to Gatlinburg a place that we have journeyed many times before and shared many happy times. I also like to combine my travels with "faith" excursions as in Germany last Summer when we visited a number of beautiful churches and even a monastery. So I will make my choices along these lines with more simplicity in mind and less luxury...hopefully that works???

My biggest struggle is the one that involves recognition and success. This was the one that hit home this week. I have always been competitive by nature. I can remember the desire to win back when I was showing horses as a child. Today, one need only sit near me while watching the Florida Gators play football to see how much I love to win. The other one was for recognition and affirmation. This longing I must say has been a persistent attachment. I can remember how I felt when I graduated law school and received much praise from my parents especially my dad. More recently, through my work within my career as a swim instructor, I have reveled in the praise of parents, other colleagues and people within our organization who affirm me as someone capable and talented. This week, I found myself feeling very flattered when the priest at our parish complemented me on my work starting up a new ministry. I am very attached to this recognition because it makes me feel valuable and better about myself. I guess it is important for me to work to receive this with a sense of humility and recognition that all is accomplished through God and his grace.

So what does the picture of Katie and cheering have to do with this post. Well, this week I became extremely angry and frustrated over some circumstances at the cheer gym. Katie has been cheering since she was 8 and has a lot of natural talent. I see so much potential in her as far as her ability to go on and possibly even cheer in college. She has been working harder this year to improve her skills and we have been hopeful that she will get an opportunity to be placed on a higher level team. When it appeared that she might not get this opportunity, I became extremely angry, feeling my blood boil and saying and acting like far less than the Christian that I claim to be....I am still struggling with my response and feelings in regard to what I feel my child deserves or should achieve. This has opened the door to other circumstances related to my other children especially those involving what my "expectations" are for them. I see how in many ways that I place far too much value and have too great of an attachment to seeing my child achieve because it somehow for me affirms myself as a parent. I want to be a good parent. I want to believe that I have taught my children right from wrong and made it possible for them to succeed....Is this wrong? Perhaps, it is good on a certain level because it is evidence of my love for them but at some point when it becomes about me and what they should accomplish because of what I have given them, it becomes more about my being too self centered. And when it leads me to lash out and to depart from those Christian values that I claim to embrace, it is definitely time to examine my attachments and priorities.

In closing, I add a short prayer which I have taken from the Creighton University Online Retreat for week 4,

"Please, God, help me live my life in a way that draws me closer to you. Help me give up anything that doesn’t do that. Thank you so much for your love and your care for me. Thank you for creating me and desiring me to be in harmony with you."

For the Friendship of True Women

Today's blog reflection is on Friendship. The special kind of friendship that women can share. It is one that transcends time and place. It is where you can feel known understood and validated. Accepted for who you are and and never judged. It is a blessing in life that I truly can say I value above many things.

This week I am finishing up a Ministry of Mothers sharing 8 week journey that I facilitated through church with two other wonderful women and friends. We have had a wonderful group of women from all walks of life and even many different parts of the globe. Each woman has brought a unique perspective and has shared themselves with the others helping all of us to grow. It is a group that makes our parish feel a little smaller and it is its own special community.

During one of our sessions, we focused on the value of friendship in our life and how we are able to share our true selves with one another through these special relationships. The value of friends is truly a godsend at each point in our lives. As young people, we share our hopes and dreams with our friends. As we age and our lives travel in different directions if we are fortunate, we encounter others through work, church and our communities. Ideally, we are able to find those people who are able to share this journey with us and encourage us.

For me this week, I have been reflecting and reconnecting with some of my friends. When circumstances change for example through job or relocation, sometimes the future of our relationships is tested. Either we chose to make an effort to stay connected or the value in some cases of that relationship may end. It is comforting to have those people whom you discover are your friends even when circumstances change. To know that what you share in terms of values and understanding is not lost. These people are truly blessings in our lives and in the midst of change it is so comforting to know and have those upon whom we can rely and turn to when the storms of life set in.

So today I am reflecting with gratitude on the gifts and blessings that come from having true friends. I am thankful for the wonderful women who have shared in the MOMS group over the past 8 weeks. I am thankful for the others I have come to know from prior groups and also many other friends whom I have encountered along my life's journey. For those who are not part of my MOMS group, I want to share a few verses from one of the poems that we meditate on because it conveys for me the power and reach of these special bonds. I have chosen the final stanzas from a poem that bears the same name as my Blog:

"For the friendship of true women, Lord,

That has been and ever shall be,

Since a woman stood at a woman's side by the cross of Calvary.

For the tears we weep, for the trusts we keep,

For the self same prayers we pray,

For the friendship of true women, Lord,

Take you my thanks today. " (taken from MOMS: A Spiritual Journal)

Here is praying that God will continue to bless my friends near and far.

Heros in Faith for the week, hero for today

This week I am focusing on people who have been for me been heroes of Faith. These are those whose faith I aspire to possess and emulate. Ones whom I have encountered in my life who have been beacons of light. Today I choose four three known to me and another a universal symbol of Faith. Although I expected this to be a single entry in order to give due consideration, I am think I will try splitting my entries up.

Let me begin first with someone whom I have recently come to know yet still do not know well who embodies steadfast faith in the most difficult of circumstances. In August, I wrote about the loss of a young man, Scott Crosby, a cheer teammate of my girls who took his own life at the age of 17. My girls and I attended his visitation and memorial service and for the first time met his mother, Tammy. Although we did not know her, we were struck by how strong she appeared to be in the face of such an unfathomable tragedy. It was her who gave comfort to many who waited for up to an hour in the August heat outside a small church in Jones County Georgia to pay tribute to a young man whose loss had shocked many. I watched her greet each visitor with strength and dignity that was almost beyond comprehension. For those of us from the cheer gym, we wondered how she was able to stand through all this sadness so strong. I did not expect to see her again however with the advent of social networking sites and particularly because my daughter Katie had been so profoundly affected by the loss of her teammate I came to understand that it was through a deep faith that she, known to many as "Miss Tammy," was able to go on. So much about this lady is amazing. Having lost her son to the most difficult circumstances imaginable, she does not seek to lay blame but appears to give love and comfort to her family, Scott's friends and even to Scott's girlfriend who many others seek to blame for his death. Recently, I was able to meet her again and participate in a local walk designed to raise money for suicide awareness and prevention. I went with Katie and Lachelle, Scott's former girlfriend. Again, I was astounded by her concern and love toward this young lady telling her to hold her head high and seemingly never looking to place blame even though many of his friends want to blame her for why he took his life. Yesterday, again I had a chance to meet with and speak with Miss Tammy. She had come to the cheer gym to collect money from Katie for T shirts honoring Scott that are being sold to raise money for a suicide prevention fund and for a Memorial Cheer fund set up to help young men and women who love the sport of cheer as Scott did to be able to participate regardless of financial limitations. It is another reminder of what makes her so amazing. She moves forward each day thankful for the blessing of her son's life. She draws her strength from God giving comfort to others even though she is hurting. I am thankful for having the opportunity to witness this true example of faith in action and I pray that she many continue to be strong and be consoled in the difficult days ahead.

It is my intent to share other models of faith in the days ahead. Still to come some of the admininstration and faculty from my children's Catholic Elementary and Middle School and Mother Teresa.

Take My Hand Precious Lord

This week I am struggling to synthesize all that I have experienced spiritually in this blog. This week I have faithfully read all of the readings prescribed by the church for the week. Many wonderful readings were part of this week parables from Luke about the joy of finding one lost sheep and the Beatitudes from Matthew's gospel with the Sermon on the Mount. Also, I have returned to the online retreat that I am striving to experience through Creighton University. I am reading two books, as one is never enough, The Jesuit Guide to (Almost) Everything by James Martin, SJ and a book by Matthew Kelly, The Rhythm of Life, that I am reading with a group of Cursillistas and discussing. In addition, I am facilitating a Ministry of Mother's Sharing Group at Church where I am able to grow through the insights and sharing of a wonderful group of ladies each Monday.

My online retreat beckons me to move from the previous weeks where I recalled God's presence in my life story and to move into the big picture how I fit into creation. For me this was a jump from self focus to adoration of God and all he has created. I'm not sure I successfully made the leap. The photo above is included in the retreat and although I am of lover of nature especially beautiful vistas I initially could not connect to my place in this image. With the bottle of wine, I imagined sitting with my husband and marvelling at the view. This did not quite get me beyond a relaxing vacation which although restorative to the soul did not lead me into much of a faith experience.

Still, I persisted throughout my week recalling this image in the background and experiencing the week more mindful of God's presence in my life. I read a small excerpt each day from the Jesuit book which describes becoming aware of a friendship with God. This book has introduced me to the Jesuit, "Examen," a daily process to make one more aware of God's presence in my life. Using this tool at least once per day, Jesuits are encouraged to faithfully pray. This process has 5 steps: 1. Gratitude for all the days blessings, 2. Grace to know your sins and to renounce them, 3. A complete review of the day from rising until this moment of all your thoughts, words and deeds, 4. Asking God for forgiveness, and 5. To resolve with God's grace to amend your ways and see God's presence more clearly. This has been a helpful way for me to pray and to consciously become more aware of God in my daily life. Along with the Examen, this book this week has described viewing my relationship with God in terms of a friendship. This too has brought many new insights into the week. Some of the points of this discussion include spending time with God, learning and discovering about him, honesty in my relationship to him and listening. It was at this point that the above photo became relevant. Now, I was able to imagine myself not with my husband enjoying a bottle of wine but with God/Jesus just as I would if I were sitting taking in this spectacular view with one of my friends. At this point, I feel ready to continue with week 4 of the retreat open to the idea that God can be one of my best friends and ready to move ahead through this journey to come to know him better.

At this point, I am going to shift topics to my assignment from Matthew Kelly's book, The Rhythm of Life. I neglected my assignment for yesterday to write a list of what I want out of life aka "my dreams." Funny that as I attempted to recite to my fellow Cursillistas my list without having put it on paper I said that I want to write...And yet, I had not even put to pen my own list. So here we go, What I want out of life is:

• To grow in my faith
• To enjoy many more healthy years with the love of my life and best friend, my husband Bill
• To retire sooner than later
• To be more optimistic
• To travel places I want to visit including Alaska, Hawaii, much more of Europe Italy, France, Spain, Greece and more of Germany and Austria. Also the Holy Land and Australia.
• To have a beach house in Florida and a mountain cabin probably in Tennessee
• To enjoy more time with my children and to truly appreciate them. Also though this is up to them and not in my control to see them grow up to be good people
• To spend more time with some of my closest friends Kathy & John, Nigel and Patty, Sherrie and Rick
• To continue to work doing something that I love and that makes me fulfilled but not too exhausted to enjoy and savor life
• To find the time to write, photograph and chronicle my life and the lives of those in my family.
• To be a bit more organized and procrastinate less so as to create less frustration for myself and others.
• To continue to enjoy the companionship and joy of my pets and other animals. Sorry Bill...

The purpose of this list is to help individuals to redirect their lives from this point on and for them to begin living with passion and purpose. Matthew Kelly points out that age young or old is not a barrier and cites numerous examples of men and women young and old who have achieved greatness.

So as I arrive at the end of another long and I'm sure disjointed blog, a song my mother used to sing a few phrases of pops into my head, Take Me Home Precious Lord was sung by Elvis Presley. This causes me to reflect that I am called this day to grow in my friendship with God. In the background, there is my list of dreams and hopes which I share not only with my group of Cursillistas but with God, my friend. I imagine talking this over with him placing myself in the photo above and as I do I think to myself that it is going to be great day.

Discerning the road ahead

What a difference a week makes. Usually this is said in relation to something changing for the better. This week as I review all that has happened I find myself searching the future for a new direction and resolve. Saturday, a week ago Bill and I began our weekend with breakfast out just the two of us at Cracker Barrel. We looked ahead to a time when it would again be just the two of us. Since we now have 2 adult children, one in college and one a Senior in high school, and our youngest a freshman in High School, the parenting of children day to day is coming to an end.

All parents have dreams for their children. Certainly I am no exception. I have always thought my dreams pretty simple when looking at my children. They are bright and personable. They have had many advantages and they are loved. Today, I have again been reminded of the individuality of each person and how ultimately what I dream and hope is not completely in my control.

So many adjectives describe my middle child, Emily: fun loving, strong willed, determined, and spunky to name a few. These are potentially great qualities but ones which present a challenge to parents, teachers and authority figures who must from time to time insist that she follow a certain course of action when she takes an opposing view. Today, I reflect on many of these qualities and remind myself that these are qualities that God gave her and that he loves her and has a plan for her life that is ultimately more important than mine.

I thought as parents we had made good choices for her... Catholic school and a good education. Looking forward to her graduation in May and applying for colleges, it felt like we were almost there. But apparently this was not to be, a new administration change at school, more of the same from her in terms of discipline issues and they are finally done with her. She is devastated and so are we.

So where does this go from here? I have cried and felt anger and frustration. Why me? A familiar song....

I wrote the above about a week ago while I was actively reeling from the circumstances and feeling bitter disappointment over the entire situation. It has taken days but I am ready to decide to move on. Although I wish I could fast forward and look back and see it all with perspective, knowing that Emily had made her way to a bright and successful future, for now I will have to hang on with Faith to my belief in her capability and potential. It may be that the lessons I have tried to impart to her for years will finally be learned. As a parent who loves her child, I don't want her to learn the hard way. I want her to accept the wisdom that I feel my years of experience qualifies me to give her. But she is on her own journey, the one she has been on since her independent little spirit entered this world eighteen years ago.

I remind myself of my blessings. Emily was born healthy. She has escaped serious injuries up to this point in her life. No broken bones or stitches. She even got out of a really bad auto accident in 10th grade where her car was totaled with just 2 broken teeth! Best of all she has a resilient spirit. She has handled the break-up with her boyfriend this year and she will handle this setback too. I think of 2 moms I know who lost their precious sons to suicide this year and I know that I am blessed to be able to look forward to see what will happen in the future ahead.

So Miss Emily, although I wish on many days that you could just color within the lines, I will never be able to complain that being your mother was boring by a long shot! Here's hoping that in the days ahead that the road will rise up to meet you and the wind will be always at your back.

The Pony Years

Undoubtedly some of my fondest memories revolve around the years I spent riding horses. Like many children, I dreamed of having a horse. I remember my first riding lesson on a horse named Bullet and looking out my window many nights for that first evening star and wishing "Starlight, star bright, first star I see tonight I wish I may, I wish I might have the wish I wish tonight...."

Looking back, I guess this was a form of prayer for a six or seven year old. Fortunately for me, I was an only child and blessed to have two loving parents one of whom my father was very much a kid at heart and thus decided to make my most fervent wish come true the Christmas I was seven. I awoke that Christmas to find a saddle under the tree and that Santa had brought me Sandy, a scruffy Shetland pony. We soon discovered however that Sandy had a bit of an ornery temperament frequently throwing me and others onto the ground so it was not until two Christmases later when Dad got my second horse, Chocolate (pictured above) that I truly was able to experience the joys that went with being pony crazy.

Chocolate was an even tempered POA pony. He was the greatest. Even my mother who was less than enamored of the whole horse thing loved Chocolate. Horses became a passion for my father and I. All of our free time was spent together at the Stables trail riding and horse showing were what I loved best. Although Dad and I were in our glory during this period of my life from age nine until about age twelve, this was a time when the distance between my mother and I became strained. Sadly as an only child, I was caught in a tug of war between my parents whose own marriage was continuing a downward spiral marked by lack of communication, fundamental differences in values and open hostility. My dad was my hero and he poured all of his energy into me making many of my dreams come true but in retrospect at the expense of and with little regard for the relationship between my mother and I.

Faith and religion at this point revolved around time spent attending Sunday School, CCD, choir and church at my Mother's Methodist church and or at St Judes, the Catholic church where my dad was a member. This period was marked by a bitter struggle between my parents over the faith tradition in which I was to be raised. For my father being Catholic was a defining choice. He had insisted on my Mother's conversion before they were married. She had complied but soon after discovered that she was not at home in the Catholic Church and instead preferred the traditions of her own Faith. In many ways, this was the death knell of my parents marriage for my Dad and a bitter disappointment for him during their first year as newlyweds. This tug of war over religion only intensified with my birth. I learned later that both my mother and her mother refused to attend my Baptism due to their feelings of hostility for the Catholic Church. At some point, my mother began taking me to Sunday school at her church. Understandably, she wanted to raise me in the same traditions that had formed her faith. I have fond memories of my time there. My Sunday school teachers were kind and Pasadena was a wonderful church Community. Looking back my recollection is that I learned and remember far more regarding Faith from attending Sunday school and can only remember being completely bored relative to CCD at St Judes.

As the years passed from nine to twelve when my parents finally separated, my adoration for my father was a driving force behind my religious choices. I grew tired of getting up to attend Sunday School early on Sundays and then being picked up and shuttled to another hour of CCD followed by Sunday Mass. I longed for a shorter day and began to resent the time I spent attending Sunday school. This conflict apparently reached its zenith when at twelve, it was time for Methodist Confirmation. My mother naturally wanted me to go through the process however my father put his foot down and that was for all practical purposes the end of my Sunday school days.

My religious identity was then and has always been that of a Catholic. Mass was never to be missed. Even on horse show days, we went to mass sometimes fully dressed in our riding habits. On one Sunday, I remember looking down at my father's boots on the way to communion to see that he had neglected to remove his spurs before coming to Mass. On one Mother's Day, we attended the last Mass in town at a different church from our own not understanding a word because it was the Spanish Mass. Still, we were there! I remember experiencing my First Communion and First Confession the Spring after I got my first pony. I remember the white dress, the veil, my best friend being there and opening my mouth to show my her the Eucharist I had just received upon returning to the pew since as a non Catholic this was somewhat foreign to her. I remember that my mother took me across the bay to Tampa to get my dress and I remember that she attended Mass that day to see me make my first communion. Only now as a mother myself can I appreciate the depth of her love for me putting so much into this day which for her must have been a difficult one. I do not remember feeling much religious significance to receiving this sacrament, however. In fact, it was years later before I understood the Catholic doctrine of real presence and how this is a fundamental difference between other religious traditions. By contrast, I can remember feeling especially spiritual during Christmas Eve services at my Mom's church. I sang in the choir and can vividly remember the beautiful candlelight service which culminated at the end with the Star that hung from the ceiling being lit symbolizing the birth of our Lord. It was something that we always looked forward to since Christmas was the only time when this Star was illuminated. Someday, I would love again to be present for this service.

Looking at this period of time in my life, I can clearly see God's presence. My faith was being developed more than most having the experience of two faith traditions. My mother was always the one to say prayers with me every evening, a simple one, Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep. This continued even when I was in High School. I was learning to feel an identity as a Catholic asking my father to take me to my first midnight Mass around age 10 even though I fell asleep through most of the service and wanting to go to my first Good Friday Mass which was traditionally 3 hours long. Through all this, I can see that my formation in terms of belief, knowing that there was a God and the duty to honor him by faithful participation in a church community, was being nurtured. Even with respect to my horses God's presence was something I recognized as I can still remember my mother finding and my memorizing A Pony's Prayer and saying it to Chocolate as I nuzzled him with my check before leaving the stable many evenings. Amazing, I can still remember it though it has been years:

Dear God, it's such a hectic life

So Much to keep a pace with

So many chores to fill my day

So many doubts I'm faced with.

I'm such a tiny animal

And kinds are so demanding

But then again they are so sweet

And gentle notwithstanding.

Dear God above please give me strength

To face each passing day

To be the mighty Trojan

And Champion all the Way.

Amen

Thank you God for being with me during these years and for all the blessings during this time. Forgive me for any hurt I caused especially to my Mother during these years. Thank you Mom for always loving me even when I wasn't always loving...

Thank you God for your Presence in My Life

Recently, I began an online retreat through a Jesuit website. In my life I have begun a number of these different spiritual quests but as with much in my life procrastination is my downfall. Lately, I find myself seeking a deeper spirituality in my life. I yearn for a state where I will feel OK despite all the chaos that seems to be a constant factor in my life.

My inclination is to turn to books and reading as a source of deepening my spirituality. At times, I find something that really speaks to me and inspires me. Other times, what I read adds little to my growth. I yearn for quiet time but then fill this time with meaningless activities. I struggle to pray without a book or activity to guide me. So how do I open myself up to experience this closer connection to God and this connection that all I read tells me that he desires to have with me?

Yesterday, I landed upon an online retreat. For the past few days, I've been reading about Jesuit spirituality and how to live my active life in the presence of God and to become more attune to God's workings in my daily life. This week in our Ministry of Mother's sharing group we discussed feelings and how all of these are a gift from God and produce an energy from within that allows you to choose to act or not. I often marvel at how when things seem to be working there seems to be many little coincidences that point and prompt you along your path. Focusing on feelings is also what is called for in this newly discovered online retreat. I am encouraged to view snapshots of my life during the first week and to recognize that the feelings associated with these images tell the story of who I am. It is an exercise that I enjoy as I look at pictures of me as a child and think of my Mom, Dad, and Grandma, all the people who were so important in the early days of my life people who are gone now and whom I miss so very much.

I'm asked to consider these images in terms of God's fidelity and presence in my life and to approach with gratitude these images whether good or bad. I'm so very thankful that I have never doubted God's existence. I know this is a true grace as I now realize that even some of the greatest and faithful people ever have had moments of doubt. Many of my earliest memories revolve around church preschool, singing in the choir (my photo for this blog) and holidays of which church services were always an important part. I was blessed to be born into a family of believers, a Catholic father and a Methodist mother, who despite their fundamental differences regarding religion and my religious upbringing were able to pass a basic faith in God onto me.

When I reflect on the gift of Faith in my life, I feel an overwhelming sense of gratitude. Perhaps this will be a good place to end this reflection thinking about what an awesome gift this has been in my life. It is a good place to focus my energy today and in the days ahead...thank you God for loving me always and for today reminding me that even when I failed to turn to you at many points in my life that ultimately I have been so very blessed to always know that you were there. Lord, I know you will always be there...please help me stay committed to this journey of faith and discovery so that I may better know and love you.