Amend My Life

I find myself in the midst of Lent. Despite my good intentions, it has been a long winter. One where I have often felt unmotivated and one in which I have all too often lacked the dedication and devotion toward living and practicing my Faith. I love my Catholic Faith with its traditions and devotions that constantly beckon me back to amend my life and to rededicate myself to the God in whom I never lose faith.

However my own guilt often paralyzes me. I look to my failings and feel unlovable. I wonder how God can love someone as imperfect as me? I feel so inadequate...I look to the ways that I frequently chose to avoid those tedious responsibilities cleaning, cooking and grocery shopping. Also, I look to the ways in which I allow my anger to drive me to complain against another or wish that someone whom I know to be "wrong" gets what is coming to him or her...are these the thoughts of someone living in Christ's light?

I know in God lies all direction so why do I drift away and become less than God would have me to be? Why can I not just set myself right? Then, there it is just like the first buds of Spring or the robin bouncing across my still brown lawn, God is there calling me back and slowly I allow myself to accept that I am loved. I remember the many people of faith that God has used to do great things that were at points in their life similarly imperfect Peter, Paul, St Augustine and knowing that though I am unlikely to ever be a saint, I consider the possibilities that God can love and forgive even me in my imperfections.

Over the weekend, I attended a Cursillo formation in preparation to work on an upcoming weekend in our diocese. Just a few short months ago, I was so energized and directed in my faith life why do I allow myself to fall away from this point of Grace? This weekend as I sat in a beautiful little church in the Middle of Nowhere GA, I realized that Satan is on the other side pulling me away from the joy and happiness that God wants for me. Being again in the presence of many other strong believers and hearing their testimony, I am again rededicated to move forward in my faith journey or in Cursillo terms to live my 4th day.

The words from today's Psalm speak to my heart ...

"A clean heart create for me, God; renew in me a steadfast spirit.

Do not drive me from your presence, nor take from me your holy spirit.

Restore my joy in your salvation; sustain in me a willing spirit." Ps 51:13-14

Once again I resolve, to rededicate myself to living in Christ and embracing this time of Lent as a time to prepare myself for the joy that is coming at Easter and to those who believe. Thank you God for loving me and always forgiving me. Thank you for allowing me to experience the freedom of a new life.

Lent and Re-dedication

Have taken a break from my blog. Yesterday nudged me back toward writing. Yesterday marked the beginning of Lent for 2010. Yesterday was Ash Wednesday. It was an opportunity for me to question where I am on my journey at this point.

The last month has been a flurry of activity cheer competitions, ski trip, and travel to Florida for work related conference. So many distractions which continue into the months ahead.

Yesterday a number of friends wanted to know what are you giving up for lent? I have never been a real fan of giving up things especially things that I am fond of like chocolate. Seems to me this can be rather devoid of spiritual meaning unless you make a conscious effort to make it meaningful. I have always been attracted to the notion of giving or doing. This brought me back to my resolutions for 2010 when I started this blog.

1. Remain in the truth

2. Remember that God calls me to be a light
3. Resolve to Grow...me!

As I review these I wonder what I was thinking when I wrote these. As I examine each one and ask myself what have I accomplished I wonder what have I been doing with my time. So perhaps rather than giving up something Lent for me should be a time of refocus and re-dedication. So let me examine myself in light each of these.

1.Remain in the Truth: I wonder what was in my mind with this. My first thought was that I wanted to make an effort to be be more spiritual. I think I was doing good with this for a while when I started each day with the Catholic readings and reflection. Over the past few weeks not so good. I've missed Mass and turned to distractions and not made time to anchor myself. So in this respect here is an opportunity for re-dedication. Truth for me is also living according to those values that I claim to embrace. Love for Family, loyalty and honesty. Again opportunities here.

2.Remember that God Calls Me to be Light. Here is a very positive image but am I a positive person? Honestly, often I am not. Do my actions bring light to others and glorify God? Again, I'm not feeling very proud so again opportunity for improvement.

3. Growth hmm. I honestly don't feel like I have accomplished much here. Certainly not at the gym with my sporadic visits. I have done a lot of soul searching and pondering but growth suggests something observable like with a tree or plant. More work needed here too.

Ok so here is my opportunity to redefine and re-dedicate. My Lenten sacrifices/promises for the next 40 days.

1. Stay on track spiritually: Spend time reading the bible and praying everyday. Don't miss Mass!

2. Be positive. Be grateful. Try to do the right thing!

3. Turn thoughts into actions! Think and follow through.